The Bachelorette, kissing, and consent
So who here watched Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette (S13, E3) and cringed when Fred asked Rachel if he could kiss her?
Yeah. It was awkward.
But here’s the thing: it was more than just awkward, and it revealed two important points that have been glossed over in media coverage since the episode aired.
First, it showed that asking for consent is different from actually getting consent. Second, it raised a conversation about how to go about obtaining that consent.
Having consent before you kiss someone is SO IMPORTANT. It can also be SO HOT. Please, come with me on this journey.
So let’s review what happened. Fred, who’d had a long-time crush on Rachel, really wanted to kiss her. In their conversations up to that point, they’d mostly stayed to light, friendly topics, and hadn’t yet developed a more romantic connection. Rachel seemed to view Fred as a friend and perhaps didn’t yet want to kiss him (but more on that later).
Fred, focused on his own desires, decided the time had come to kiss her. In his rambling lead-up to The Kiss, he said: “I haven’t kissed you yet. I’ve been waiting for the right time to. So instead of waiting, I can’t really wait. It’s more about creating that moment.”
Then he said: “So I’d just like to ask, is this a time that you feel that I can kiss you?”
Rachel was surprised at being asked, and said she felt awkward and that no one had ever asked to kiss her before. So then Fred decided to kiss her, and afterward she sent him home. Bye bye Freddy.
Oh dear, there is so much to deconstruct here.
Let’s start with how obtaining consent is seen as unsexy. In the aftermath of the episode, various outlets have claimed that asking before you kiss someone is a “mistake”, “the single worst way to score that elusive first kiss”, and (my favourite) “the least sexy move of all time”. Some website called View the Vibe (which I had not heard of before I Googled “Rachel Fred kiss bachelorette”, so, take that for what you will) even said “you should never ask for a first kiss”. To which I say:
Once upon a time, I was on a date with someone I was really excited about. We were cuddling, we were laughing, we were having a great time. At one point we were very close together, his eyes fixed on mine, his hand on my face, and I could feel those first-kiss butterflies starting to flutter. And before anything happened, my date said to me,
“I’d really like to kiss you right now.”
It was quiet, and intimate, and so sexy, and it was honestly one of the best first kisses — nay, one of the best EVER kisses — I’ve had.
If done well, getting consent before you kiss someone can be seriously hot. What’s hotter than knowing someone you’re into wants you to kiss them?! When you know you’re both feeling it, the kiss becomes even better: not only are you excited to be kissing this person, but you know, unequivocally, that they’re just as excited as you are. To paraphrase a cinematic legend, you know that you’re all in this together.
But more importantly than sexiness, getting consent is vital in and of itself. While some may think that kissing is in a different category than sexual assault or rape, kissing someone against their will is in fact a form of sexual assault. Here in Canada, where I live, the definition of sexual assault includes “all unwanted sexual activity, such as unwanted sexual grabbing, kissing, and fondling as well as rape.”
Unwanted — that’s the key word.
I need to make an important note here, which I hinted at earlier: I’m not saying Fred’s kiss was or was not unwanted. Only Rachel knows what she actually wanted in that moment, and I can’t make assumptions on her behalf. Consent isn’t static, and can’t be assumed based on someone’s past behaviour or statements, either with that partner or a different one. Different people also have different preferences regarding how they want to kiss or be kissed, and therefore might indicate their consent in different ways.
What I do know, though, is that Fred didn’t actually get clear consent from Rachel before he kissed her. He was so preoccupied with kissing her that he didn’t consider whether or not she might want to kiss him. Rachel’s mood and body language (pulling away from him, saying she felt awkward) seemed to indicate she might not have been feeling it, but Fred didn’t take note of these cues and check in with Rachel about what they meant.
Importantly, I’m also not saying that body language is a replacement for consent. You can’t assume someone wants you to kiss them just because they’re smiling or sitting close to you or you feel a ‘vibe’. (Sidenote: why do I always picture Usher when I see the word ‘vibe’?) Consent still has to be clear, willing, and continuously renewed.
The distinction here is that it’s not about asking so much as it’s about obtaining consent. Asking doesn’t mean you’ll get consent — it’s only half of the equation. While it’s laudable that Fred asked, he didn’t consider Rachel’s verbal response and non-verbal cues before he went in for the kiss. Getting consent requires more than asking the question. It requires receiving a clear, enthusiastic response in the affirmative category.
This also clears up the misconception that consent is awkward and therefore bad. Consent doesn’t always have to be a difficult question, delivered in stuttering pieces, like Fred’s example. It also doesn’t have to be a formal, academic-feeling exercise. Getting consent can be a fun and sexy lead-up to the kiss itself, becoming an exciting part of the experience rather than detracting from it. There are many ways to go about getting consent in passionate ways that also prioritize clear communication.
And if you don’t get clear consent? Check in again. Find another way to ask your partner about what they want in that moment. A Responsible Kisser (trademark pending) needs to consider not only their own desires, but also the desires and boundaries of the person they want to smooch. And if that person doesn’t want to kiss you — whether because they’re not into you, or they’re not in a state where they can make a free and willing decision, or for myriad other reasons (all of which are legitimate!) — YOU DON’T KISS THEM.
And sure, we can wonder at why Rachel went along with this kiss, given that she didn’t seem to be into Fred. Alas, we’ll never* know. But as stated above, she’s the only one who can say whether she truly wanted to participate in that kiss or not, and also what she has thought about it since, so we can’t make assumptions on her behalf. It’s also worth acknowledging here that it can sometimes be difficult to interject and stop a kiss that you’re not feeling, especially for women who have often been socialized to think that men’s pleasure comes first, and especially within a context where many boys grow up seeing pop culture examples of men ‘romantically’ grabbing women and kissing them without asking.**
So, my point is this: make sure you know someone wants you to kiss them, clearly and freely, before you pucker up. Also make sure they’re still into it during and after the puckering up. Getting consent is vital so you don’t wade into sexual assault territory, and it can also be unbelievably sexy.***
Still not convinced? There are so many great resources out there on this topic. Here is a list of some creative ways to ask for consent. This list has 35 *more* ways! Here are five pop culture examples of consent done right (and hot). Honestly, there are so many resources.
In closing, a note to Fred: Thanks for asking for consent! Now, please pay attention to the cues of your partner and the response you get when you ask! And maybe check out these resources?😉
*Or at least, not until the inevitable “Men Tell All” episode.
**Further acknowledgement that sentence is super heteronormative as it’s generally talking about the cultural context for cisgender, heterosexual folks.
***Last point: sometimes this whole focus on consent being sexy can be problematic. I know, it’s complicated. Basically, just make sure your partner (partners) is (are) into it, and keep checking in with them throughout. It’s sort of a first-haircut-in-a-long-time-and-you-want-to-try-a-pixie-cut situation.
