Why Does Consent Matter to Me? Because This Shit is Personal

Trigger Warning: Descriptions of sexual assault and rape

This Shit is Personal

Why does consent matter to ME? Because this shit is personal. Yes, this conversation, this book I’m working on, this Council, this movement…all of this Consent-Based Culture stuff is PERSONAL. Because I have been subjected to nonconsensual and coercive bullshit my whole life.

I have repeatedly been afraid simply because I was born a girl in a world that was stacked against the gender I was born to. I have been touched, groped, kissed, fondled, raped and nearly raped a couple times, stuck in abusive relationships, stuck taking care of others and doing any number of other things out of guilt, fear, obligation, an overblown sense of responsibility.

I was vulnerable, I was susceptible, I was desperate and willing to give up on myself in order to get other needs filled that I thought had to come from outside of me.

I needed love, touch, comfort, affection, intimacy. I needed to belong, to care for, and be cared for. I needed to be of service and to be appreciated. And I thought I needed to give up access to my body in order to get those things.

For a long time, I only ever felt truly seen when I exposed myself. I only ever felt connected when someone’s hands were on me. I only ever connected deeply after allowing someone to enter my body sexually.

The “training” starts early…

At 12, I Was Groped in Public

At twelve, someone’s hand snaked its way between my legs, under my skirt, from behind, while I was traversing the narrow aisle of a school bus, trying to find a seat next to someone who wouldn’t continue to traumatize me, terrified to acknowledge the hand, with no idea to whom it belonged, but fully cognizant of the fact that the uproarious laughter that followed was directed at my red face and in praise of the “brave” boy who had gotten away with it.

At 13, Cops Tried to Convince Me I Hadn’t Been Raped

For a long time, I wasn’t even sure I could claim to have been “raped” when I was thirteen because full penetration hadn’t happened. The doctor confirmed that when he said that my hymen was still intact. The police convinced me not to press charges because I told them the guys who had held me down were people I’d previously thought were friends and I’d followed willingly to the abandoned house they’d dubbed their “club house” where they had an old, dirty mattress lying on the floor.

Still 13, My Uncle Reacted With Hurt When I Said NO to a “Silly” Game

Later, my uncle reached out toward my chest, intending to pretend to flick something off my shirt while secretly planning to sweep his finger under my nose like he did while I was a child…but by this point, I’d already been nonconsensually held down and made to endure unwanted advances and all I could see when my uncle reached forward was the hand of yet another man who felt entitled to touch me.

And when I reared back and knocked his hand away, I felt guilty because the look on his face was full of hurt. As if I had just hurt his feelings because my actions had just sent a loud and clear “NO” to his unwanted gesture meant to touch me. No concern about why I might have reacted so dramatically to something that previously had always just been a silly game.

At 14, My Chosen “First” Told Me I Was a Slut

A later boyfriend told me I must have been asking for it, I must have consented to it; after all, I followed the guys willingly and when one of them cajoled me with the line, “aw come on baby, if you loved me, you’d let me…,” I felt guilty and obligated to do whatever the next step was. So it must not have been rape.

And in fact, the next man I was with, one to whom I granted enthusiastic consent and with whom I enjoyed a beautiful sexual interaction, immediately afterward called me a slut and accused me of lying to him about being a virgin, because I didn’t bleed, and because I “moved too naturally.”

At 15, I Was Called a “Bitch” for Not Smiling When a Boy Told Me To

I was just trying to walk home from a school when a group of boys started hooting and hollering at me. I ignored them. One of them called out to me and told me to smile. I kept walking. That boy kept trying to get my attention and finally started hurling insults after me, including a very loud “Bitch!” Just because I didn’t want to interact with him. I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel complimented. I just wanted to get home. That made me a bitch. Apparently.

At 26, My Boyfriend Used Coercion to Only Have Anal With Me

I remember when a long-term boyfriend decided that I couldn’t squeeze tightly enough for him and so he pressured me into letting him penetrate me “back there.” And after he did it once and came fast and hard, he decided that was the only way he wanted to have sex with me, regardless of what I wanted or how I felt about anal sex.

I was afraid to say no, afraid that he would withhold all sex and physical affection if I didn’t comply. I was afraid of his explosive and unpredictable bouts of anger and worried that initiating such a conversation might “cause” one of his rages.

This is What’s It Like to Grow up Female in a Toxic Patriarchal Culture

These are only a handful of countless incidents, and arguably some of the most dramatic examples, of the rampant sexism and sense of entitlement I encountered as a female growing up in a world still very much controlled by the privileged patriarchy.

I Found Strength in the Divine…in the Goddess Lilith

For a very long time, I didn’t realize my own power. I didn’t understand that I have rights. I didn’t appreciate my own strength and resilience. But I grew and evolved and began to accept and to own my power, my rights, my strength.

In fact, in the course of my spiritual development, I encountered the myths of the Goddess Lilith and I gradually accepted that she is my primary connection to the Divine.

Lilith is Goddess of female sovereignty and power. She does not lie beneath any man and refuses to be a “good girl” in the manner dictated by the patriarchy. Instead she owns her power and the right to her own body and sexual expression. Recently, I ran across the following quote, which seems to tie together my devotion to Lilith and my passion for consent:

Lilith has returned. To effect a reconciliation with her, man must not seek to rape the feminine and keep it down under him. If he seeks to continue his domination of nature through genetic engineering and the repression of the spiritual, he will ensure that the only release from his delusion can come from destruction. Lilith will then dance in the ruins of Western civilization. But if man can accept initiation to see that Lilith is his long-lost primordial wife, then the energies of destruction can be transmuted and taken up into the creative destructuring of the old civilization, the industrial civilization that humanity has already outgrown. — William Irwin Thompson, The Time Falling Bodies Take to Light

I Do Have the Right to Say NO

I do have the right to say no. I do have the power to walk away. I do deserve to be treated with respect. I have a right to express my sexuality. I have a right to feel safe. I have the power to say no. And I have a responsibility to share what I’ve learned with others, to support others in their journey to own their power and their strength, to embrace the rights they have to their own body and sexual expression.

Consent is such an important concept that needs to penetrate the mainstream consciousness and become embedded in our societal worldview. Consent-based culture is what I’m working toward and I invite you to take my hand, if you want, or to simply step up beside me, and join me in this incredibly important work of transformation.

Are You Ready to Take Up the Challenge & Become a Consent Activist/Educator?

This work will take courage, because we must BE the change we want to see in the world. We must confront our own internalized oppression and conditioned behaviors that inadvertently support the sex-negative, violent, and coercive culture in which we’ve been raised. Recent events have simply reinforced and revealed just how bad things still are. We can no longer hide behind the illusion of progress that we haven’t really achieved.

This work will take unflagging strength, resilience, and a supportive network to continue becoming the Consent Activists and Educators this world so desperately needs. If you’re on board, please LIKE, SHARE, and COMMENT to demonstrate your support and spread the word.

Why does consent matter to YOU?

Inara de Luna is a sex and relationship expert, a consent activist, and a professional writer and editor in these fields. She founded the Sex Positive Loving Facebook page and the Council for Consensual Intimacy Facebook page. She also Guest Blogs on the topic of consent for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF). She invites you to connect with her to join the national conversation about sex positivity and consent culture.