Trump “Almost” Near Deal to Give Russians the 1980 Gold Medal in Hockey
In an effort to “give collaboration and cooperation a chance,” the Trump administration has “almost” reached a deal for the U.S. to give Russia its 1980 Olympic gold medal in men’s hockey, said Sebastian Gorka, deputy assistant to President Trump.
“This is a big deal for working-class Russians — many of them have been pissed about the U.S. victory for decades,” said Gorka. “Now that Democrats have obstructed our efforts to return two Russian diplomatic compounds, we want to do something to show good faith. The President thinks handing over the gold medal would be a really nice gesture.”
In a game known to Americans as the “Miracle on Ice,” the U.S. Men’s Hockey team beat the Soviet Union 4–3 in the medal round at the Lake Placid Winter Games. The unexpected victory paved the way for the U.S. to win gold.
“For us it was more like ‘Conspiracy on Ice,’” said Russian Deputy Foreign Minister Sergei Ryabkov.
A popular theory in Russia holds that the heavily favored Soviet team was instructed to throw the game. U.S. President Jimmy Carter was considering a boycott at the time of the Moscow Summer Olympics due to the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. Russian leaders thought a loss in hockey might brighten Carter’s mood, according to the theory.
“We still want the U.S. to give back our compounds and lift sanctions,” said Ryabkov after leaving a meeting at the U.S. State Department yesterday, “but getting the gold medal we deserved would be a positive first step.”
If the U.S. does not hand over the gold medal, Ryabkov said the Russians would have to retaliate by immediately voiding all of the U.S. medals from the 1986 Goodwill Games.
Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov took a slightly softer tone, telling reporters that Russia hopes the White House can still find the “political wisdom and political will” to return the 1986 gold medal, “which was rightfully ours, had our loyal hockey comrades not responded to the will of their Great Leader.”
When reached for comment, most surviving members of the U.S. team were unhappy at the prospect of handing over their medals.
“I mean WTF? How on fricking earth does this #MAGA?” tweeted out Jim Craig, the team’s goalie.
At least three team members were open to the idea. All are strong supporters of President Trump.
“If it will make America great again, I’m happy to concede that the Soviets beat us,” said one team member who requested anonymity so that his teammates would not find him at the bar where he regularly holds court in Pownal, Vermont.
Predictably, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and other Democratic lawmakers were furious at the prospect of handing over symbols of America’s triumph over the Soviet Union.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was more open to the idea, saying, “If the price for repealing Obamacare is handing over a few gold medals and sacrificing what little I have left of my dignity, I’m all for it.”