The way we think love works: Part II
Debunking our own unrealistic expectations
I did a very short write up on the way we think love works a little while ago, which is why I’m titling this one “Part II”.
I’m going to start by picking on The Notebook a little bit here. The author of the romantic book/movie, Nicholas Sparks, is divorced. Before you get up-in-arms about defending him and justifying the divorce and crediting the beloved movie, hear me out on the subject.
This movie represents some of the issues that I believe contribute to the climbing divorce rate in our society. The general synopsis is that this young man and woman fall in love. The man is poor and the woman is rich. They eventually become separated by their own social classes, and they fight against their own families to be together.
The problem with the movie is that we cheer for the home-wrecker and the adulteress. We do. Again, I know, I should stop ruining this great love film. But the very problem I have with it is what makes people consider it such a good movie.
We want to feel all the fuzzy, tingly, “do anything for you” feelings all the time in our relationships.
This story gives us the unrealistic hope of that. Once we hit that wall where we wake up and love becomes a choice, we’re out. It’s supposed to be easy all the time, right? Isn’t it supposed to just be two people falling in love, living blissfully ever after?
No, it’s not. Unfortunately we aren’t perfect. You cannot fit a lifetime of sacrifice, compromise, service, and love into a 2 hour period that blasts through the meat and potatoes and only shows the whipped cream. We’re not meant to be perfect all the time. We’re not meant to walk out on our spouse or significant other if we have an argument, either.
I think we keep measuring our relationships up to this expectation that we’ve constructed in our minds, and I think it’s largely based on the consumption of Hollywood’s take. If we continue to turn these fuzzy feelings we get from watching all these romantic comedies into expectation, we’re setting ourselves up to fail and we’re putting our significant others on a pedestal that is unreachable.
Once we’ve committed to the mindset that this relationship needs to be keeping us in a state of bliss on a daily basis, we’re inviting a melt-down into our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, being blissful and happy is a great thing. Keeping the butterflies in a relationship is fun and possible, but it takes more than kissing in the rain. I mean, who wants to stand around in the rain getting their clothes all wet, anyway?
Thinking that love exists only in romantic moments is foolish. Love is not a feeling to be received. Love is an action to be given. The movies that we watch do not portray love as patience, forgiveness, service, gratitude, etc.
The love we’re accustomed to seeing is impatient. It’s about what we receive, not what we give. It’s about our emotions and how good someone can make us feel. It’s about making everything public, so that other people can envy what we appear to have with our significant other.
None of this is realistic, though. If we follow this false formula of love we will be disappointed, heartbroken, and never satisfied.
If you’re finding yourself unsatisfied after a limited time of dating someone or you become tired of relationships quickly, you’re most likely reaching the end of the movie without knowing what the next step entails.
When you begin choosing your significant other every day — that’s when you know you’re putting in the work. The actions you take to better serve them, to be selfless and patient, to sacrifice a desire you have in order to fulfill one of theirs, are all actions of love.
It doesn’t mean these things are easy, but I think the beauty of loving someone and having them love you back is that they’re going through those same selfless internal struggles right along with you every day. Every time you think you’re the only one making sacrifices, they’ll most likely be making one for you without you knowing.
Hollywood doesn’t want us to see true love because they probably wouldn’t make piles of money. They don’t want to show us all the work that comes with the territory of giving someone your heart. So, they stick to kisses in the rain, forbidden love, and other crazy love stories that raise unrealistic expectations and lead to disappointments.
I like to believe in our ability as a society to avoid chasing the feeling that love is about what we receive. Love is beautiful, no doubt. But only because it isn’t about us.
