Consumer Purports Interviews: CEO John McPherson
Esophobee’s CEO, John McPherson, has been heading the company for the past three months.
A once well-known wunderkind, John McPherson, Esophobee’s new CEO leading the automotive industry’s technological charge, allowed us to join him at Esophobee’s Headquarters, The Ruler of All, located in Virginia-Highlands, Georgia. When we stepped into his office, he was blasting “Ooh La La” by Run The Jewels. He prominently displays several golf awards, MIT Sloan degrees, and two of Deborah Sparks’s Esophobee-themed paintings. We got the chance to probe McPherson’s thoughts on how he sees the automotive industry evolving and what role Esophobee will play in it.
McPherson, who stands at 6'2" and has wavy black hair with grey peppered throughout, is stepping into the leadership role as it shakes out to be a tumultuous period for the company. He succeeds Philip Handsey, who was toppled in late 2030 amid sexual harassment accusations from current and previous female employees. In January of 2031, the Aggressor, a sport-coupe popularized by their ad campaign “Accelerate your life … while pumping the brakes,” drowned in National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) complaints.
Philip Handsey story: Here.
The following transcript has been lightly edited for context and clarity.
Montague: Thanks for having us, Mr. McPherson. People first noticed you as a professional golfer when you finished third, just two strokes behind Bubba Golfson. Soon after, you quit pro golf, joined the upper echelon of Esophobee, and after working 15 years at the company, you’re taking over as CEO. How does it feel to get spanked on the golf course and by US regulators? Follow up: Which one stings more?
McPherson: [Chuckles] If it weren’t for a particular reporter’s shadow covering the hole, I could have assessed the shot better. To answer the follow-up: Neither. Getting spanked is a weekend hobby for me.
Montague: [Mutters to herself while taking notes] ‘Likes … being …spanked.’ So tell us, what can consumers and shareholders expect from Esophobee under your leadership moving forward? Besides the government-sponsored spankings.
McPherson: Esophobee has consistently produced innovative cars and features. In 2025, we introduced the world to transition windshields on our entire lineup of vehicles. We were the first to release high-performance electric motorcycles. Consumers and shareholders can expect more innovation and shouldn’t be surprised to see the Esophobee name venture into other industries. Our team at the underwater research and development (R&D) center, the Bee Hive, has developed Sophie, an advanced virtual assistant currently being tested in our corporate headquarters, The Ruler of All. I can’t disclose all of our ideas yet, but rest assured, we’re determined to deliver more valuable services and products than ever before.
Montague: Well, the windshields did block out the sun, but they only got darker; they failed to transition back to clear.
McPherson: There’s a price that needs to be paid when leading an entire industry. Mistakes will be made; people will get injured; and, occasionally, expensive lawsuits are lost. But those risks need to be accepted to create a more advanced society.
Montague: When you say “those risks need to be accepted,” you’re referring to the customers assuming those risks?
McPherson: [Smugly] Yeah? [Rich man laugh]
Montague: Okay, just wanted to clarify. Can you tell us more about “Sophie”?
McPherson: Right. Sophie is our new virtual assistant. Sophie will manage the day-to-day functions of the office and can act as a vital partner when needed. She does it all. [She] provides statistical data on the building’s energy efficiency. It’s compatible with agile teams and business models. It even goes as far as offering solutions in market-facing operations like raising capital or forging strategic partnerships. Also, Sophie is activated by clearing your throat, so try not to wake her up since she’s being updated. I want to highlight that the purpose of Sophie is to assist, not replace employees.
Montague: That’s surprisingly considerate. I imagined Sophie replacing scores of em —
McPherson: — Sophie X is meant to replace employees. That’s going to be the top-tier virtual assistant, higher upfront costs but lowers businesses operating expenses in the long run, which frees up capital.
Montague: Of course. Okay, so I’d like to kick things into high gear if you don’t mind. Your predecessor, Philip Handsey, was ousted due to sexual harassment allegations. Are you planning on sexually harassing your employees or anyone else?
McPherson: Uhh …
Montague: Is it me? Were you planning on sexually harassing me?
McPherson: No?
Montague: So if not me, who?
McPherson: Whoa, I’m not planning on sexually harassing anyone.
Montague: You want it to be spur-of-the-moment?
McPherson: Sharon, everyone will remain untouched by members of my staff and me.
Montague: Wow! You’re refusing to inspire your employees just because your predecessor couldn’t maintain proper decorum?
McPherson: No! I’ll inspire plenty of people —
Montague: HOW, JOHN?! WITH YOUR HANDS?!
McPherson: I don’t understand what’s happening.
Montague: [leans closer to John] If someone here is sexually harassed and I don’t get the inside scoop, I’m going to go ballistic.
McPherson: Well, you’re in luck because there is no inside scoop since no one is going to get sexually harassed by me or anyone else who works at Esophobee. It will not be tolerated.
Montague: Sounds like you’ll tolerate sexual harassment from a third-party contractor.
McPherson: [shuts eyes]
Montague: So I was hoping to learn more about the building Esophobee uses as its corporate headquarters: The Ruler of All. It’s an open secret that the Ruler of All is destructive. Is that by design, or is that another risk people have to deal with?
McPherson: Honestly, Sharon, is it really architecture if it just sits there?
Montague: Yes.
McPherson: — Architecture should interact with the community. We like to think our building is inspiring the community, not destroying it. You see a car melted by The Ruler of All; I see a new customer who needs a new car. You see that man as having suffered a loss when he’s actually gained an opportunity — the opportunity to drive an Esophobee. Sure, our building occasionally lights a tree on fire or zaps a kids baseball during a Little League game, but those moments create character. That kid is now motivated to get that home run, so he’s either going to try harder, or he’ll have to wait until his parents move to another neighborhood. Obstacles make winners. Without them, life is too easy.
Montague: Holy sh*t, you’re so f*cking deep #F*ckingDeep.
McPherson: Thanks. I try.
Montague: I’m guessing you feel the same way about Esophobee’s cars harming people?
McPherson: That’s a question for UMAD. Personally, I think people need to evolve faster to enjoy the Aggressor to its fullest.
Montague: So it’s not Esophobee’s fault? Are your customers just too weak?
McPherson: Danger is relative. Is it dangerous for an elephant to drive an Aggressor? No. Is it dangerous for a 5-year-old to sit in an Aggressor? Most likely.
Montague: Do you guys sell to a lot of elephants? I can’t say that I’ve seen any driving your cars.
McPherson: [Furrows brow] Hey, let’s maybe get back on track and stop talking about these f*cking elephants.
Montague: [Facepalm] Fine. I’d like to prod you a little on a recent hire of yours, Bernard Horner, is this the same guy from the sex hall of fame who spent most of his career engineering the most expensive sex toys on the market?
McPherson: [Sighs]. Yes, it’s the same guy. But, what’s lovely about engineering is that you’re celebrated for the applications and technology you create, not necessarily the finished product.
Montague: Would I be wrong in pointing out that the optics of hiring an engineer from the porn industry while Esophobee struggles with sexual abuse allegations make little sense?
McPherson: [Exasperated sigh]. It’s the sex toy industry.
Montague: Of course. My mistake.
McPherson: I don’t think you’re wrong in pointing that out. Regardless, it’s close-minded to discount Bernard’s abilities. Just because he spent time engineering some of the world’s greatest sex toys doesn’t automatically make him a pervert or a sexual abuser.
Montague: Sure, but … he looks like someone who might misbehave, don’t you think? With the bald scalp, hair on the sides. He always shows up to work with an overcoat. He’s a little skeevy, don’t you think?
McPherson: Look, he’s a good guy. I was good friends with him at MIT before he transferred to Cornell; the man is a saint.
Montague: [Laughs] Oh, John. Come on. I know you two are close, but he looks like he could be the Mayor of Masturbation town.
[BERNARD RUSHES INTO THE ROOM FROM AN UNKNOWN ENTRANCE]
Bernard: What the fuck, Sharon!?! You insignificant meter maid!!!
Montague: Whoa!
McPherson: Bernard?! Where did you come from?
Bernard: I was in your two-way mirror room.
Montague: [Gasps] You have a two-way mirror?
McPherson: I have a two-way mirror? —
Montague: — Why do you have a two-way mirror? —
Bernard: — Don’t make this about him, you insufferable twit! —
Montague: — This entire interview is about him! Why don’t you go back to drooling in your cup!?! —
Bernard: — Why did you call me skeevy!?! You’ve never even met me! —
McPherson: — I feel like this is going off the rails. Maybe we should —
Montague: — This is amazing. I have a Pulitzer. [slumps in chair] —
Bernard: — I’m a decent guy, Sharon! —
McPherson: — He really is —
Montague: — Right, hanging out behind a two-way mirror, eavesdropping, really makes your case. —
[End of Interview]
