Esophobee’s New Electric Vehicle Is A Weapon Of Mass Destruction
How a product from a high-profile auto manufacturer trying to change the world turned out to be a derivative of a pineapple bomb.
ATLANTA — In Alpharetta’s quaint neighborhoods, west of North Point Mall, Deborah Sparks works on her latest painting with her two dogs (a corgi and an Italian greyhound) lazily watching from their beds. Her studio’s surround sound system plays “All You’ve Got Is Everyone” by Saintseneca, filling the room with productive energy. As a successful artist who has sold hundreds of paintings over the years, with an average price tag of $ 40,000, this is a typical Sunday afternoon for them. Her paintings hang on the walls of homes and offices of well-known pop artists, movie stars, CEOs, and superstar investors. Regardless of her success, Mrs. Sparks retains a propensity for a quiet, unextraordinary lifestyle. She has acquired a few luxurious coats and designer handbags over the years, but she pointedly explains that some of these possessions are unsolicited gifts.
“Clients that want an inside track for my next painting will gift me high-end watches or expensive coats to remind me that they’re open to a private sale,” explained Sparks. “I tend to laugh because I didn’t get into painting for the money or fame, but I do feel it’s a compliment nonetheless.”
Sparks does have a soft spot for a particular big-ticket extravagance: high-end luxury sports cars. “Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been in love with cars. Most girls want to be princesses or own ponies. I just wanted to drive my dad’s Maserati,” Sparks said with a coy smile. She has owned a BMW M series, a Lexus F series, and a permanent 2004 Maserati GranSport that she uses on vacation. She was also a fractional owner of a scarlet red Ferrari F40. Though she rarely had an issue with the exotic sports cars she has driven, she recently purchased one that landed her in the hospital: the Esophobee Aggressor. Sparks said, “I like being different. I didn’t think that being unique would result in months of physical therapy. I got my sh*t rocked.”
Indeed she did. She suffered a broken leg, dislocated shoulder, and spinal fracture. She’s healed up nicely but still requires physical therapy.
The Esophobee Aggressor was marketed to successful individuals like Sparks: young but wealthy. The Aggressor’s milieu is turning heads at chic city brunches or weddings. Also, it has created unworldly chaos. The issue with the Aggressor, a car that starts at $90,000, is its vaguely explained features. For example, the Aggressor comes standard with an ejection seat, yet the operating manual doesn’t explain how it works. It states the system is “self-activated,” working off sensors that report certain conditions calling for a “safe” ejection out of the vehicle.
Furthermore, the Aggressor ejects passengers and drivers in an abusive manner. First, it blasts the doors off the moving vehicle with extreme force. A deafening bang permeates the air as if an improvised explosive device has gone off. A study conducted by Consumer Purports found that the doors broke the sound barrier after jettisoning, producing a sonic boom. Erratically, the vehicle takes over, sets the cruise control for 135 MPH, and extends the driver and passenger seats into the slipstream, where occupants are subject to violent winds and foreign debris. Then, a parachute opens from behind the seats, breaking the tracks they sit on and sliding across the pavement, leaving friction and the parachute to slow it down.
In Mrs. Sparks’ case, her door hit an ambulance traveling southbound on Interstate 85 while she traveled northbound. Coincidentally, the ambulance patient had been struck by another flying Esophobee door while walking his dog just moments ago.
Initially, owners who dealt with this issue were sure that Esophobee would recall the vehicles. But things were more convoluted than they incipiently thought. Esophobee argued that their cars are controlled by the UMAD Corporation’s artificial intelligence (A.I.) known as the Limitless Intelligence LIDAR Awareness system (Lila). Any glitch in the software could render the vehicle useless.
In a press conference, Esophobee’s general counsel, Johnny Lahsootz, stated, “This isn’t an Esophobee problem; it’s a UMAD problem. If your computer malfunctions, you send it to H.P. or Dell. You don’t send it to the random company that sourced the metal frame that houses the motherboard. So what the f*ck? Get off our backs.”
UMAD Corporation released a statement saying, “You dead-ass, Esophobee? All right, bro. Our lawyers will sue you guys for all ya got.” The regulatory gray area has impeded a recall, leaving customers in limbo.
After reaching out to Esophobee for comment, their spokesperson, Yhandis Hepa, responded by phone: “Esophobee’s cars are meant for people seeking a thrill. Anyone who can’t handle Esophobee’s signature sports car characteristics can go back to driving their grandparents’ Prius. Our cars target grown-ass men and women exclusively; Not a bunch of sissy-ass vegan moms going through a midlife crisis.”
“Also, I’m aware I didn’t mention non-gender people. I excluded them because Esophobee still doesn’t have a marketing strategy for their demographic since, well, one second, they’re one thing, and then the next, they’re not. It’s challenging to peg down their tastes.” Then Mrs. Hepa hung up. What caught Consumer Purports off guard was how Mrs. Hepa dove right into that statement without us getting the chance to introduce ourselves. We gave them no initial background on why we were calling.
This isn’t the first time the company finds itself in hot water. The Bee Association of America (BAA) started a campaign against Esophobee over their corporate mascot, the Esopho-Bee, which the company claims is a bee though others have pointed out is not. The head of the BAA, Jim “J.J.” Jaworski, addressed an industry conference stating, “Esophobee must right their wrongs and admit that their mascot is, in fact, a hornet.” He added, “Since they began calling their obvious hornet a bee, we’ve been thrown into an industry-wide recession with no end in sight. Please, Esophobee, let the bees keep what little dignity they have left.”
Consumer Purports contacted entomologist Jeffrey Symbols from the University of Georgia to confirm whether their logo was a bee or a hornet. Symbols explained, “There is no doubt in my mind that the logo and mascot are both hornets. I’m not sure who researched their logo, but they got it wrong the second they called it a bee.”
We reached out to Esophobee for clarification on their mascot. Mrs. Hepa commented, “Oh my god!” followed by a lengthy pause. “Again with this sh*t? Sharon, you f*cking hall monitor, it’s a f*cking bee. Where do you get off questioning our logo? Move on.”
At Esophobee’s Atlanta dealership, I had the chance to gauge how potential customers felt about the scandals. Ryan, a 37-year-old accountant, shared his thoughts on the company, saying, “It’s really not that big a deal. These things happen from time to time. They’re obviously going through a lot with the Bee Association of America up their ass about calling their mascot a bee.” He added, “I mean, just a few months ago, I was struck twice in the same day by the Aggressor’s doors. Once when I was walking my dog, and again when I was in the ambulance. Yet here I am in my wheelchair at the Esophobee dealership. I think they’ll be fine.”
As for Mrs. Sparks, she’s not ready to give up on Esophobee. Having left her home for a late lunch, we made our way to downtown Roswell in her brand new Porsche 911 Turbo S Cabriolet. Speeding in the generally empty street of Westside Parkway while listening to “Bye Bye Land” by Hooded Fang, she disclosed how she felt about Esophobee between the engine’s growls.
“I’m hoping to get a sweet offer from [Esophobee] soon,” she said calmly, almost as if the faster we traveled, the more therapeutic she found it. “Maybe they’ll take pity on my situation and offer me their next-generation vehicle for free? I understand getting a new product wrong the first time around. As an artist, I’m constantly throwing out paintings I think will one day end up on museum walls three centuries from now.”
