Senator Jim Cockerooney Detained In Airport Restroom
The Senator claims it’s all a big misunderstanding and that he sports a “wide stance” when using the restroom.
ATLANTA — According to a police report obtained by Consumer Purports, Senator Jim Cockerooney (GA) was apprehended last Thursday morning for allegedly soliciting sex in an airport restroom. The senator was due in Washington, D.C., for a high-profile hearing with the heads of industrial companies like Esophobee. The police report states that Senator Cockerooney sat in an animal stall between two standard stalls that police had been staking out because of reported sexual encounters. The animal stall features a smaller toilet and is 85% narrower than a standard stall.
A plainclothes police officer stated that Senator Cockerooney’s left talon touched his foot in the adjacent stall. Cockerooney proceeded to tap his talon wildly, a common sign for soliciting sex in the Hartsfield airport restroom. Then, Mr. Cockerooney stuck his wing underneath the stall divider and blindly felt around. The plainclothes police officer responded by flashing his badge underneath the partition, and Cockerooney was promptly detained when he exited the stall.
According to a transcript released by the Atlanta Police Department, Senator Cockerooney told police officers he’s used the Hartsfield airport restroom millions of times and never knew that sort of behavior was taking place. He explained, “Look, I just had to use the restroom. I was on Facebook live, tapping my talon away to “Ch-Check It Out” by the Beastie Boys playing over the restroom sound system. I noticed I was out of toilet paper, so I reached under the stall on my left to get more.”
When asked about his talon touching the officer’s foot, Cockerooney said, “It’s just a wide stance, bro. My talons tend to wander into neighboring stalls. I know I’m Nashville Hot, but does this look suggestive to you?” Cockerooney then demonstrated his wide stance to the police officers interrogating him. They were impressed. One of the officers stated, “Honestly, I got a little turned on by his wide stance.”
At a press conference, Cockerooney further explained, “I have a smoking hot wife; why would I try to engage in same-sex intercourse? And in an airport restroom, of all places! If I were to have an affair, it would take place in a fancy hotel with someone hotter than my wife. Not with some random guy. What kind of a chicken do people think I am?”
Cockerooney is a crucial ally for Esophobee in most regulatory matters involving the auto industry. Esophobee has contributed large sums of money to Cockerooney’s campaigns through its super PAC, The Humane Society for Corporations (HSC). HSC’s mission is to end extreme corporate poverty around the world by the end of 2050. Cockerooney cannot afford to lose financial support heading into a highly contentious 2032 senate campaign cycle.
