Tiger Woods Named Head of Esophobee’s Controversial Ride-Sharing Division
Waggle, the ride-share subsidiary of Esophobee, has a new CEO
ATLANTA — Esophobee announced Tiger Woods will be heading its ride-sharing division, Waggle, in a press release on Thursday afternoon. Chief Executive John McPherson stated, “This is a big f*cking deal! I had the privilege of playing against him on the course, and bringing his competitive spirit in-house will help Esophobee’s ride-sharing division blossom. I look forward to seeing where Waggle winds up with Mr. Woods at the wheel.”
Consumer Purports spoke with Mr. Woods after he crashed into its newsroom Monday morning. Eyewitnesses say Mr. Woods did not attempt to stop the SUV, an Esophobee Everest, after losing control at an estimated 95 MPH. Before being loaded into the ambulance, Mr. Woods said, “McPherson is a good man and an even better executive. I’m excited about commandeering Waggle and speeding past the competition.”
Waggle is a part of their new initiative to venture further into new industries. Waggle has two tiers: The first tier operates as a reentry program for violent ex-convicts. Rates compete with comparable ride-sharing companies. The second tier uses 15-year-olds with learner permits, but the ride is free since customers help the drivers with their lessons and sign off on their logbooks.
Consumers have been complaining that they don’t want to help kids get their licenses and that the ex-convicts are writing down people’s addresses and robbing them or asking them for private information. One rider — Breanne — complained, “My driver asked me for my Netflix login information. I told him, ‘no,’ and then he said, ‘you’re not getting out of this car until you give it to me.’” According to Breanne, she wasn’t dropped off at her intended destination either.
“I needed to get to my date at Marlow’s Tavern in the Avalon; the driver instead made a personal stop at SunTrust Park, where I think a drug deal went down, before ultimately dropping me off at Hartsfield-International Airport.”
Another rider, Trevor, explained, “The driver told me he had a quick stop to make before heading to my destination. I’m pretty sure we swung by his mistress’ home because the woman kept screaming out her bedroom window, ‘you said you were going to leave her.’ She eventually let him in, and he never came back out. I was jumped while waiting in the car.”
When reached for comment, Esophobee’s spokesperson, Yhandis Hepa, responded, “We hear our customers, and we’re working on the issues. To make up for these inconveniences, Tiger Woods will personally chauffeur, for one fare only, all of the customers hindered by the convicts’ behavior.” Hepa specified, “As for the free riders, they’re sh*t out of luck. We’re not even paying those kids to drive. They can f*ck their own faces.”
