Parenting Advice

3 Lessons I Stole From Leadership and Applied to Parenting

There’s no way to be a perfect parent and a million ways to be a good one.~ Jill Churchill

I got up at 5:00 AM,

cooked,

woke kids up,

went after them to be ready before their online classes,

hoped they would become independent,

hoped they would build an appreciation for discipline even when boundaries are collapsed, I thought.

I chose healthy recipes with good-packed nutrients for meals.

If they’re not waking up early, not developing a healthy routine, I’m not doing my damn job right as a parent, I felt.

Sound relatable?

This attitude soon spoke something about me that I didn’t like

• I have unconditional love, hope, and trust in children, still losing myself.
• Blaming self for what children can be.

I felt frustration, dejection, and hopelessness about this whole working parenthood boundary collapsed in front of my eyes 24*7.

Shall I better focus on setting up a workspace, living my dreams, trusting children to learn from example, or taking charge of partnering with children full-time to pave a pathway to their goals?

It was not either-or for me. I want both to work; after all, it has always worked.

I have been a mom and the woman of the house for 18 years, working on demanding roles. I have an arsenal full of advice and experience from parents, friends, and wonderful siblings.

Why those experiences, nudges, beliefs from co-parents were falling short now? Was my career and childcare balance a delusion?

I might not have paused to reflect on the balance I bring, appreciated it better, but it always worked, I know.

How has it worked till now?

I took 100% responsibility for my work and family always. Instead of slumping my shoulders and whining about cooking, feeding, and reading stories to kids, I proudly decided not to be a perfect mom on heavy head days and chose to seek help.

I also assertively stood tall and managed work on-call rather than calling off work, attending parent-teacher meetings, or driving to birthday parties. I was out of the house on business travel for many weeks, but parenting was never out of mind.

Of course, both childcare and career were on good terms with each other. Automated with tools as simple as microwave sometimes, delegated to the teacher, colleague, school bus, basketball coach many times, and proudly shared with grandparents, always.

What has changed now?

On a roller coaster of emotions spilling over my heart’s pain, I caught myself in angry screams or guilty tears, more than ever. There was no hiding the irritable behavior outside, and deceiving guilt inside.

Working parent’s guilt

Quite honestly, ‘this too shall pass’, ‘pay no attention’, plus ‘give in to the crisis’ is not a possibility for a parent and a leader. I wondered if physical boundaries made all the difference and kept all attention and energy into different mind compartments of [Home] and [Work] — compartmentalized for best obeisance.

It took me off to memory lane on many conversations with my comrades, who quit after having children or opted for different careers because of family needs, and now sound so remorseful.

I could relate to their care and balance, eventually converting to a working parent’s guilt. The guilt starts fluidly, and — hope is that it will leave with tears, but soon solidified as an ice-brick, holding power to fizzle the whole view of possible choices and make the heart sink, especially during the pandemic.

Thankfully, before guilt could put its trap into play, three lessons from leadership came to the deed, and I was approved, by myself, under the parent working with the home role.

1) set the boundaries, and keep guilt at bay

During tumultuous times, I felt an obligation to respond right away over the check-in message. With a million other things at home and all hostile media sucking the energy, the support system’s general check-in suddenly grew into sympathy fatigue. Without realizing it, well-intended planning of self-care, work, childcare started compounding stress.

It was Catch-22, an effort to release self from sympathy fatigue and grab me-time stacked to working parent’s guilt, and an effort to release guilt and set boundaries felt mistreated.

This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice. ~ Brené Brown

Discerning vital few check-ins from trivial many conversations became a magic fence to keep guilt at bay, and interestingly filtering media took much of trivial.

2) selectively ignore, without hazarding non-negotiables

Routines that worked previously, like waking up on time, bathing in the morning, no food in the bedroom, and many more, were falling apart now.

The parent in me spoke, “Discipline is essential in instilling good habits in children.”

At the same time, a leader in me reasoned,” Be mindful of children’s emotional agitation and respect their approach to get over it.”

Both process and results have their own place, maybe a different place in different situations. While holding non-negotiables — like health, well-being, compassion — if anyone in the family has their emotional episodes, take one episode at a time.

3) lean on each other

Every individual’s willpower is limited, and so was of a woman in the house, the man in the house, cook, cleaner, and whatnot.

It was simply not enough for grown-ups labeled to recognize the family’s emotional and well-being needs. They had their emotional episodes and needed someone to lean on.

That said, in anyways, lingering around is no option neither for the parent nor the child; after all, we are raising future leaders.

Define what winning looks like, get aligned on causes and consequences, hold each other accountable while remembering that failure is a testimony to a new trial. Be proud of the trial.

Conclusion

Permitting yourself to say no, to say less, to retreat is the pinnacle of self-protection and self-love, especially in these times.

• Set the boundaries for time with self, while being mindful that you need a deep conversation the most when you think you don’t need anything.
• Be selective and pick your vital few while celebrating the trivial like the love you apply in everything, home-cooked meal, the vocation, and what-not you do daily.
• It is ok to feel tired, lean on each other.

You are an awesome parent already, and it is ok to be flawsome!

The very fact that you worry about being a good parent means that you already are a good one. ~ Jodi Picoult