SELF-HELP FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN’T AFRAID OF THE RESULTS
Just Because I Have The Soul of a Short Fat Comedian Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Love Myself
Embracing my inner Danny DeVito
Everyone’s trying to find themselves. They’re looking in the wrong places. People want to look better, get richer, have more friends, be funnier, see more shows, walk with a better posture, fart less, and get invited out a lot.
We’re not all Beyoncé. Some of us are gassy, short, lopsided, four-nippled, brilliant nerdballs. I’ve had a lot of different haircuts and hair colors. I’ve been a redhead, a blond, a chocolate brunette.
I’ve been 5'4" and 5'9". Once I was 6'2" but people kept asking me to reach for high-up items at grocery stores and I don’t work at the grocery store.
My size has fluctuated from a 6 to a 10 and I never bought any new clothes. I’ve stood on a stage in a floor-length gown announcing an orchestra and gotten fired from a job as a tavern wench for dating someone my boss had a crush on.
I’ve been the girl who goes to foreign films alone and the girl who goes Marvel movies with children who eat popcorn from a sticky pile on the floor. I’ve sucked up escargot in Paris and inhaled Burger King milkshakes from the South…
