Living our truth
Mothers & Daughters
Finding love and connection
Whether chosen or by birth, family connections can create the most complicated, difficult, and challenging relationships we have. Sharing a home gives us an unvarnished view into the depths of people’s experiences and emotions, a view we’d never have without sharing a bedroom, bathroom, and all of the quirks of everyday life. When we’re young, the bond created by this intimacy can give us a sense of safety, of security.
Then as we grow and discover more of our own identity and become more independent it’s perfectly normal and necessary to create a separation from our family. The most challenging part is: How do we come back? How do we live our truth when confronted with behavior we’ve outgrown?
Having a healthy mother/daughter relationship can be extremely challenging and my client Olivia was beside herself trying to deal with her mother. Her mother Deana had an unpleasant sense of humor. Deana found it entertaining to embarrass Olivia by sharing personal information at inappropriate times with inappropriate people. To welcome a new family to the neighborhood, Deana hosted a casual get-together. In front of this room full of strangers, Deana announced, “Olivia was dating a lawyer, but he just dumped her.” This was true — nobody’s business but true.
This was far from the first time Deana had used Olivia’s life as fodder for her entertainment. After experiencing years of what she felt were humiliating betrayals followed by bitter confrontations and blowups, Olivia finally realized, no matter what she did or said, she would never change her mother’s behavior. She accepted that the only way to have her mother in her life and maintain her own emotional equilibrium was to change her own behavior. So she chose to stop sharing the personal details of her life with her mother.
It broke her heart to know that they would never have the kind of relationship she had literally dreamt of. It took immense strength and courage for Olivia to let go of having the relationship she wanted and to open herself to the possibility of having something completely different.
She knew her mother was kind, loving, and giving, and Olivia chose to focus on these positive attributes. When Olivia had a cold, her mother made soup. When Olivia’s health declined, her mother thought nothing of driving three hours each way to take her to a specialist. When the economy crashed and Olivia was about to lose her home, her mother gifted her with enough to cover her overdue house payments. She was not a wealthy woman, and this was a significant portion of her retirement fund.
What evolved over the next few years was most interesting. When I first met Olivia, she would go on and on listing her mother’s betrayals. Now, by being honest with herself and accepting her mother for who she is, Olivia is able to see her mother’s accomplishments and the positive effects she has had on many different people.
When Olivia made having peace in her own heart her priority, she was able to let go of what she wanted and learned to accept her mother as she is, and things changed. The stress, anxiety, and frustration that Olivia had felt about their relationship evaporated. Now when she talks about her mother, you can feel the love she has in her heart. Olivia has accepted that she will always carry a bit of sadness about not having the mother/daughter relationship she wants. But by letting go of an impossible dream and by accepting her mother as she is, Olivia has found a depth of connection and love that she never expected.
If you want the love of family in your life and to minimize conflict, you have to accept what love is. The true definition of love is ‘Unconditional, Non-judgmental Acceptance’. Truly loving someone means accepting them as they are now. Truly loving someone means accepting that at their core, whether you can see it or not, they have value just as they are. Accepting that how they present themselves, their appearance, personality, and behavior are manifestations of how they deal with life. Truly loving someone may mean that to have them in your life and to have peace in your heart, you’ll have to alter your perspective and expectations.
