My thoughts, unedited

My Words Are Strangling Me

When did writing stop being fun?

Photo by SEO Galaxy on Unsplash

And…submit!

I stand on creaky knees and massage my stiff lower back. I draw in a deep breath. The air tastes like accomplishment and caffeine. I stayed up entirely too late finalizing the short story I had one week to craft based on holiday prompts. Now, it is out of my hands and into the inboxes of those who will judge my story and pocket my five American dollars.

Which converts to roughly one bajillion of my Canadian dollars.

Thirty seconds later, I receive the dreaded text from my mom:

“Just did a re-read, there’s a small typo, you wrote ‘the’ twice in the first paragraph.”

My throat constricts. I stumble backwards and clutch my stomach. Not now, IBS, I command. My heart thrashes in my chest as a shaky finger clicks on the confirmation email. I blink hard to clear the fresh sheen of despair and scan my submission. There, a mere four sentences in, I see the typo. Dopamine and pride abandon ship. Exhausted glee turns to hopelessness. I am hollow. I swallow my tears. The salt stings my wounded pride.

I proofread this story. Then, I fed it into Grammarly. Then, I had a human person review it. It feels impossible, but I’ve somehow managed to screw up again.

I scan the contest terms and conditions but I already know. This isn’t my first typo rodeo. They don’t accept edits or resubmissions. They don’t provide refunds. If I ever want to publish this story again, it must be with credit to them for the prompt. My mind becomes a funnel of intrusive thoughts.

I’m not cut out for this. I should quit. I’m a moron.

I spend the day swimming through cement. I bark at my daughter when she asks for help reaching a bowl, I’m curt with my son when he doesn’t hear my call for dinner. I go to bed early, and I don’t do that playful snap point combo my husband and I have been doing to each other for decades — our weird signal for “goodnight”.

What is a hobby? I type into Google from my dark bedroom. A hobby is an activity you do for fun, Google writes back.