The Devil and Donald Sterling

(The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons is coincidental, except for the Devil, who is exactly as he appears)

*

(God and the Devil are watching basketball late in the 2014 season)

DEVIL: Not the fucking Lakers again!

GOD: Where’s Kobe? Did you mess with his achilles?

DEVIL: Knee. He’s not coming back.

GOD: He’ll be back. And we’re getting LeBron too.

DEVIL: It’s Sunday afternoon and you’re televising a team that’s below .500, that isn’t even the best team in LA, to a national audience! Don’t you think that’s a sin?

GOD: Look, there’s Jack Nicholson. Hi Jack! Do you think he sees me? I don’t think he ever sees me. Why doesn’t he take off those glasses?

DEVIL: I understand why you don’t show Portland and Indiana. They’re small markets. But you’ve got a playoff-bound team in this very town.

GOD: Who’s that old guy always sits next to Jack? He’s not on any of my lists. Why don’t you take him? He looks 105.

DEVIL: He’s got years.

GOD: Chill me a beer, will you? Darn, another missed layup. Who are these guys? Gimme a program.

DEVIL: You don’t even know your team anymore. The Lakers are history.

GOD: But they have the best uniforms.

DEVILS: Why can’t we watch the Clippers! Blake Giffith, Chris Paul — the two best players in SoCal. And America never gets to see them.

GOD: There are no clipper ships in LA. They’re a San Diego team.

DEVIL: There are no lakes in LA either.

GOD: Oh, a three-pointer, by — who is that? Where’s my program?

DEVIL (slinking away)The Clippers are going to the playoffs and no one has even seen them play! On PTI and Around the Horn all the sportswriters talk about is Kobe this, Kobe that. I’m gonna get the Lakers off TV and Kobe off the sports page. Wait and see!

SCENE 2

(The Devil approaches a 31-year old beauty of mixed ancestry as she shops on Rodeo Drive)

DEVIL: Hey Ms. Stiviano.

V Stiviano: Are you the valet? Please be careful with my Ferarri.

DEVIL: Look at these bright shoes?

V: Wow! Are those Banana Republic?

DEVIL: I believe they are. Just came off the boat.

V: I love Banana Republic. What do you want? Blow job? I may be a gold digger but I’m no whore.

DEVIL: Shiny shoes.

V: Hand job maybe.

DEVIL: My dear friend, I’m not here to challenge your virtue.

V: Sexting, but in a one-piece. I’m not bikini ready.

DEVIL: (Hands her a small device) Do you know how to work a tape recorder?

V: I may be a gold digger, but I’m no spy.

DEVIL: Just press “Juegos.”

Scene 3

(Donald Sterling is dozing off in the owner’s box as the Devil materializes)

DEVIL: See that?

STERLING: Huh? What?

DEVIL: Magic with your girl.

STERLING: Don’t know. They all look alike from afar.

DEVIL: (holding up his smartphone)She just Instagrammed this pic of them, arm in arm.

STERLING: What’s that Laker doing in my house?

DEVIL: He’s the Magic man. Irresistible. Even I couldn’t take him when he got the virus. Your gal stands no chance against his charm.

STERLING: She’s just my archivist. She can sleep with whomever she wants.

DEVIL: Control your bitch, Donald.

Scene 4

(V. Stiviano’s disputed condo on a stormy night. She turns on the hidden tape recorder as Sterling enters, distraught)

STERLING: (confronting her with the Instagram photo) Baby, I thought you loved me.

V: Nothing happened. If I had anything to hide do you think I’d take a selfie?

STERLING: OK. Hug. Bye.

V: Wait, you mean that’s it? You’re not jealous?

STERLING: It’s the lawyer in me. But I trust you completely. Why else would I have signed this condo over to you?

V: Actually, I have to admit, Magic’s smile makes me shiver all over.

STERLING: No talk like that now, baby. It’s past my bedtime. Just don’t bring people like that to my games.

V: (moving the recorder closer) People like what?

STERLING: You know, retired basketball players.

V: What kind of retired basketball players? That’s a pretty broad brush.

STERLING: Retired Lakers. No Lakers in my building from now on, capice?

V: I can’t bring Jerry West into your house?

STERLING: OK, maybe Jerry.

V: But not Elgin.

STERLING: Elgin sued me for discrimination, baby. We’re still friends of course. I love the guy. But better not him.

V: And what others? Tell me exactly. No Han Chinese? No Eskimos? What?

STERLING: No one with a penis bigger than mine, OK? No blacks!

Scene 5

(God and the Devil are watching the breaking Donald Sterling scandal on ESPN)

GOD: Where’s the Kobe news? How’s his rehab going?

DEVIL: There’s a new star in Hollywood.

GOD: Sterling. Never heard of him.

DEVIL: He changed his name a long time ago. Probably fell off your chart.

GOD: Who changes his name to Sterling? If you’re going to change your name, change it to Gold.

DEVIL: Lakers are gold. He a Clipper, remember.

GOD: Who are the Clippers, anyway? Are you sure they’re a real team? I don’t recall their ever coming into the league. I always thought they were like that fake team the Harlem Globetrotters always beat.

DEVIL: Well they’re going to the playoffs now.

Scene 6

(Sterling storms into V’s condo, out of breath from the exertion)

V. You don’t look so good. Want a glass of water?

STERLING: You gonna poison me?

V. Relax, I’m the best thing you’ve got. Want a neck massage?

STERLING: (pacing) You recorded our private conversation!

V. I’m your archivist. You hired me to preserve your memory.

STERLING: Knock it off. You know what I hired you for.

V. I didn’t tell you to say those things. Besides, you deserve it for talking like that. And your wife is suing me for the condo. So get off your high horse. I’m the victim here. You told me you were getting divorced.

STERLING: Yeah, well these things take time, baby.

V: You’ve been married 62 years!

STERLING: What am I going to do? They want me to sell the team.

V: So sell the team. I don’t know why you ever moved it here anyway. This will always be Lakers country, even in a down season. Do we even have cheerleaders? Buy a yacht and take me to Monte Carlo!

STERLING: (storming out with renewed determination) I’m going to fight. I’ve never sold a property in my life!

Scene 7

(God and the Devil materialize in Oakland for the first game of the playoff series between the Clippers and the Golden State Warriors)

GOD: Look at your team. They’re wearing their shirts inside out. It’s going to be a short series.

DEVIL: Well at least they made the playoffs. Where are your golden boys?

GOD: The Lakers will be back next season. Which is more than I can say for your Clippers. Here they are in the playoffs and they don’t even want to wear the uniform.

DEVIL: Twenty dollars says they’ll win this series.

GOD: Haven’t you heard? They’re talking about a boycott. The sponsors have fled. You shot yourself in the hoof on this one.

DEVIL: A boycott?

GOD: They may disband the team altogether. Who will play for a bigot? Who will buy season tickets? Next year there will only be one team in LA. My team.

DEVIL: (suddenly concerned) No, that can’t happen. It’ll pass, you’ll see. He’ll apologize, it’ll all blow over. Everyone will have forgotten the scandal by the time the Clippers win the series.

GOD: Apologize? Him? I think you better have a talk with Mr. Sterling.

Scene 8

(Donald Sterling is drinking alone at the Four Seasons when the Devil appears beside him)

DEVIL: (motioning to the game on TV) Your guys look terrible tonight. What’s the problem?

STERLING: They think I’m a bigot. They want me to sell the team. Listen, if I was a bigot why is the NAACP giving me an award?

DEVIL: I wouldn’t hold your breath on that one. Look, Donald. Can I call you Donald? You have to give a press conference. Sign up for sensitivity training, play the jealous lover who said a few inappropriate remarks in the heat of the moment, relinquish operational control of the team until this dies down. What do you want all this bother for, at your age? She’s a hot number. If I were you I’d take her on a nice long cruise…

STERLING: She’s just my archivist.

DEVIL: Yeah, well let her do your oral history. Just get out of town. Your players are about to revolt and I’ve got money riding on them winning this series. It’s not often I counsel someone to do the right thing, believe me!

Scene 9

(The Devil pants to keep pace with Commissioner Adam Silver, who is jogging in Central Park, New York)

DEVIL: I just had a chat with your homie. You Jews give me a headache.

COMMISSIONER: I don’t think I should be talking to you.

DEVIL: He’s not backing down.

COMMISSIONER: That’s your doing.

DEVIL: I want you to ban him from the league. No legalese. Give a press conference and say you will ask the other owners to force him to sell the team.

COMMISSIONER: I’m confused. Whose side are you on?

DEVIL: I’m a fan of the game.

COMMISSIONER: (stops running and shakes his head) If you, the Devil, want Sterling out of the league, what’s God’s position on this?

DEVIL: It’s complicated.

Scene 10

(During a timeout in Game 2, God takes a seat beside Magic Johnson)

GOD: So how’s Kobe doing? You think he’ll be ready by October?

MAGIC: You came to me for that? With everything that’s going on?

GOD: Well it’s just hard to get good information. Kornheiser and Wilbon aren’t even talking about the Lakers anymore. Everything’s about Sterling.

MAGIC: Yeah, well I have to thank you for showing the light to the Commissioner.

GOD: Actually, that wasn’t my doing. You see, the Devil’s pulled a fast one on me. Everything’s topsy-turvy. I just want you to know I have no personal ill will toward African Americans. And that anything I do that may lead you to believe otherwise, well, I’m doing it for the Lakers.

Scene 11

(Sterling is in his bathrobe in his bedroom, practicing his NAACP award acceptance speech, when his wife enters)

STERLING: …And furthermore, I’ve always had the greatest respect for colored people, and not just for your jumping ability. Why even my archivist is half-colored.

STERLING’S WIFE: Donald, I don’t think it’s a good idea to call them colored.

STERLING: Negro then.

STERLING’S WIFE: I don’t know why you’re rehearsing. I just saw on the news they’ve cancelled the award.

STERLING: Cancelled my award? Can they do that? I’ll sue the ni- I mean the bastards?

STERLING’S WIFE: Do you really think that’s a good idea? To sue the NAACP?

STERLING: Well you’re suing my archivist.

STERLING’S WIFE: I can’t believe you gave that ni- that tramp a condo! The Ferrari was bad enough. All you gave me was a Jaguar. Go sleep on the couch.

Scene 12

(Donald Sterling is perusing cruise brochures at a Beverly Hills travel agency)

TRAVEL AGENT: So is it true, Mr. Sterling, you’re going to sell the team? My husband is a big fan of the Lakers. He has season tickets.

STERLING: I don’t own the Lakers. I own the Clippers. What cruises do you have that go to Monte Carlo?

TRAVEL AGENT: Oh, Clippers! Of course you should go on a cruise. Get it, clippers — ship?

STERLING: I think I am going to sell the team. What do I need the headache for? Santorina looks nice. You think a young woman of thirty would like Greece?

TRAVEL AGENT: I’m sure your granddaughter would love the islands. Greek men are so handsome.

STERLING: Maybe we’ll stick to Monaco. Book it.

(God appears to Sterling while the Travel Agent is busy reserving the cruise on her computer)

GOD: What are you doing? You can’t leave now!

STERLING: (whispering) Is that you God?

GOD: What are you whispering for? You have to stay and fight.

STERLING: Can you do something about these bags under my eyes? I don’t trust plastic surgeons.

GOD: Are you listening? You have to stay and fight.

STERLING: Look at this brochure. I could take V to the casino. Imagine her in a chiffon gown.

GOD: Sterling, you must not sell the team.

STERLING: But I thought you didn’t care about the Clippers. I thought you had forsaken us all these years.

GOD: Never mind that. Just think what will happen if the league forces you out. Who do you think will buy the team?

STERLING: Magic, no!

GOD: The Clippers will be the toast of LA. They might even get LeBron. Do you want to see a Clippers championship banner hanging in the Staples Center?

STERLING: Yes, of course. But…no, not if I’m forced out. Not if Magic is hoisting the trophy.

GOD: Lawyer up, man.

(Sterling puts the brochure back on the desk and pulls out his cell phone)

STERLING: Get me CNN.

Scene 13

(Donald Sterling is giving an exclusive interview to CNN’s Anderson Cooper)

STERLING: (tearing up) I just want to say how sorry I am. Please forgive me. I was jealous you understand. I thought I was going to lose my archivist.

COOPER: To Magic?

STERLING: To any Laker. I’m not prejudiced. But I don’t want her going through anyone else’s drawers.

COOPER: Everyone wants to know if you will comply with the Commissioner’s request and sell the team?

STERLING: I thought about it, but then God came to me.

COOPER: And what did God say?

STERLING: He told me to lawyer up.

COOPER: God wants you to lawyer up?

STERLING: The ways of the Lord are mysterious.

Scene 14

(God and the Devil are watching the Oklahoma Thunder trounce the Clippers during the second round of the playoffs)

GOD: Well, your Clippers had a good run. They squeaked by Golden State. But they’re toast now.

DEVIL: Doesn’t matter. We’re front page news. I have to admit I panicked over the prospect of a boycott and wanted Sterling to sell. But now that Sterling is committed to fight the league this story will drag on all summer. If Kobe ever returns, it will be back page news.

GOD: I didn’t think about that. Damn you.

DEVIL: That’s my line. And you still owe me twenty dollars.

Scene 15

(At halftime God approaches Mrs. Sterling in her luxury box)

GOD: Mrs. Sterling, you’re the closest person to your husband.

MRS. STERLING: No, that would be his lawyers. If you’re here to ask me to drop my lawsuit against that bitch, forget it.

GOD: Actually, I want you to persuade your husband to sell the team.

MRS. STERLING: But I thought you told him to lawyer up?

GOD: Yes, well, er, that was the Devil pretending to be me.

MRS. STERLING: Can I keep my luxury box?

GOD: Two seats in the corner are the most I can offer, I’m afraid.

MRS. STERLING: And push that tramp off her balcony. I mean my balcony.

GOD: Mrs. Sterling, you know I can’t do that.

MRS. STERLING: Crash her Ferrari. My Ferrari.

GOD: I might be able to cause one of her stiletto heels to rend asunder, on smooth pavement.

MRS. STERLING: On stairs.

GOD: Perhaps on the second stair. A sprained ankle.

MRS. STERLING: The fourth stair. A broken leg.

GOD: The third stair, a strained calf.

MRS. STERLING: Deal.

Scene 15

(God and the Devil are Watching LeBron James and the Heat play the Indiana Pacers in Miami.)

GOD: Darn, it’s hot here.

DEVIL: Feels breezy to me.

GOD: The weather in LA will entice LeBron, you’ll see.

DEVIL: Maybe to sign with my Clippers.

GOD: How did that shyster Sterling ever get us on the same side?

DEVIL: What do you mean?

GOD: I also want him to sell the team. I think I’ve been manipulated.

(During a timeout the scoreboard screen shows breaking news)

STERLING: No, you heard me. I’ve been influenced by higher powers. I’m not selling the team. Never!

(God and the Devil stare at each other incredulously)

GOD and the DEVIL: (simultaneously) Lawyers!

THE END — for now 5/30/2014