Freedom Among the Layers

My Year in Review (2018)

When the expectation you live with is perfection.

I sat at waters edge, taking in the scene. We were on retreat, a deep breath from the pace of life. Just breathing in the moment. It was a prayer I’d longed for since the last time I was here with all of you. I remember it being cold that day, but not bitter cold. The kind of cold that makes room for you to stay long enough to be revived in the chill.

I took assessment of the rocks I was traversing, and noticed the many layers they exposed. It was shale or some kind of rock, thin but sturdy, laid upon an unknown depth of layers to make this the perfect spot to stand and breathe in the lakes edge. There is a leaf passing by, one single leaf fallen from a tree in transition from life to a dormant winter state. We are at the end of autumn here. And the trees grasp to the last of the red-orange-yellow ensembles they worked on once cooler air and shorter nights snuck in a month before. The leaf, this organic palette, is in no hurry as it floats along by the bidding of the gentle rhythm of the waves that press against the rock beneath my boots.

In this moment I look back. The year, for me had been filled with disappointment. Anxiety was churning within my days. Deep sadness haunting my nights. At the time, my business was dismantling overnight — while the truth was that the entire year had been plagued. All my hopes for this dual career life wasn’t turning out as it was supposed to. This was one of the layers of my life.

I went deeper, onto the next layer (of which the beginning and end of one layer to the next is by no means as neat and defined as the rocks that surrounded me). This was the refuge layer, the one that brings me to Beaver Lake. It is the layer of community, in which I share life and hope with others. Later in the evening (again, reflecting months later upon this moment) parents will share their heartache, couples will speak of their fears, individuals will quietly ponder, and others will process aloud their most inward glances sharing them as descriptions and stories. It will be an emotional night. It will be a hard and beautiful one. The vulnerability here is inspiring as it is inviting each of us to know and be known. Layers.

But now, I have moved to sit where I can touch the water. The chilling water that houses depths of life I can only imagine. There is mystery all around me, within me, and beyond me. Is the Divine near? Is the Divine saturating our world? This is the layer of mystery that I embrace daily. Once it was more of a certainty layer — but now there is deep flowing doubt, ungraspable truths, and ineffable faith. It is more refreshing than ever — just as the water is now, splashing against my leg. Shocking and refreshing all at once. Layers.

More layers exist within me — more layers exist within you. These are just some of the ones I was aware of on that fall day. But it was also there I reflected on a sense of grace that I had been contemplating the weeks prior. It was the sense of FREEDOM. Freedom to feel the ups and downs of the year. Freedom to be okay being sad, but also okay finding hope. Freedom to live beyond what I call “SHOULD”. You see, I’ve found that SHOULD — a sense of expectation both by others upon me and by me upon myself — rules my life at times. SHOULD is the thing I measure where I am supposed to be in my career, in my faith, in my relationships, in my marriage, in my finances, in my pastoring, in my designing, in my parenting, in my EVER FREAKING ASPECT OF MY LIFE.

I should be better.
I should be over it.
I should be more.
I should be thinner.
I should be nicer.
I should be smarter.
I should be more well read.
I should be more present.
I should be more well connected.
I should be full of ideas.

This list came to me in about 10 seconds. I’m full of SHOULDS. And at times, it’s all I can hear.

But some contrasting imagery has come up as I have processed this dominant voice in my life. It’s an image of an eagle. It’s a metaphor for freedom. And it was something I was just beginning to process during the fall retreat. It even prompted the artwork that you see before you.

CONSIDER THE ART

’Freedom Among the Layers’

I see FREEDOM as the perfect contrast from SHOULD because it means that I can live beyond such confines. I can fail beyond the confines of SHOULD. I can excel beyond the expectations of SHOULD. To do so would be like soaring as the eagle.

DRAW

• On the following blank page — draw some horizontal lines similar to the strata diagrams you’ve likely seen of the earth.
• Let the space between these lines represent the layers of your life. Label as many as you can quickly think of. Maybe some are roles you play — responsibilities you have. Others might be social groups you find yourself in. Other layers may consist of faith, emotional states, perspectives, beliefs, etc.

All of the layers hold within them a possible complexity that makes you — uniquely you.

CONSIDER

As you scan over your LAYERS consider the complexity they represent. It’s not easy being all the things you are. If you are tempted to attach SHOULDS to these layers, remember FREEDOM can be the contrast of these expectations. SHOULD can have another role in your life — but it is likely a quieter role — one that reminds of responsibilities. But SHOULD does not have to be the guiding force of your life — the task master of your days.

Pray

Pray for a sense of FREEDOM to live the many layers of your life.

The next several articles will include the content from the two evenings we prepared/encountered over two Sundays as a community. But you can download the full PDF.