An Idea for Your Next Gathering: No Small Talk Allowed

Written by Taylor Buonocore and Mollie Khine

Here is a challenge for your next event or gathering: set a friendly no small talk rule.

Nearly all gatherings — from a backyard BBQ, to a happy hour with work colleagues or clients, to a dinner outing with a group of friends — leave guests to their own devices to strike up conversation in hopes of connecting. While some of us chit chat with with ease, most of us find it boring and, given the choice, would prefer to cut the small talk out entirely. And yet, we spend so much time in small talk zone.

Despite how much you might enjoy a blue sky day, the weather receives far too many conversation minutes.

What exactly is small talk and why do we gravitate to it?

Small talk, referred to by linguists as a form of phatic communication that has a social function rather than an informative function.

According to a study by the Victoria University of Wellington, small talk serves several functions, especially amongst colleagues in a workplace setting:

• To mark the beginning or end of a more substantive interaction as a conversation starter, greeting, or an extended goodbye
• To ease communication where there is no immediate or apparent common ground
• To relate to your conversation partner (e.g. naming a shared experience such as awaiting an elevator)

In his Vox Media article Why small talk is so excruciating, David Roberts describes why we almost always turn to small talk. “The problem, of course, is that small talk precedes big talk in the normal course of human affairs. Most people feel the need to get comfortable with one another before they jump into the deep end of serious conversation or ongoing friendship. Which means if you hate and avoid small talk, you may also, as a practical matter, be cutting yourself off from lots of meaningful social interaction, which is a bummer.”(2)

The problem, in our view, is that too often small talk is both the opener and the main event.

Why is it so important to get past small talk?

Psychologists have long said that connecting with others through meaningful conversation is central to well-being. In one study, researchers eavesdropped on undergraduates for four days, then tagged each overheard interaction as either “small talk” (something like “You had ice cream this afternoon? Yum!) or “substantive” (something like “So what did you think when he said that to you?”). The substantive interactions were found to be correlated with happiness — with the happiest students having roughly twice as many substantive talks as those who were the unhappiest. (1)

Substantive talk enable us to understand more about a person and potentially connect with them on deeper common ground. Instead of finding that you both like chocolate ice cream, you might find that you both feel even more driven to succeed after being told you can’t do something.

“Every great romance and each big business deal begins with small talk. The key to successful small talk is learning how to connect with others, not just communicate with them.” — Bernardo J. Carducci, professor of psychology at Indiana University Southeast.

So how do we challenge this mold?

If you are a community builder, hostess, gatherer or the ringleader amongst your family or friends, offer an alternative to small talk by first acknowledging it. Try including a few of these ideas to create a skip-the-small-talk experience for the people you are with:

1. Introduce a prompt or icebreaker as a no-brainer conversation starter to prevent the dreaded ‘weather talk.’ If you are the facilitator or MC, prompt each person in the room to move seats or find someone they’ve not yet met and introduce themselves by sharing something small or unexpected that brings them joy.
2. Ask your guests to put their curiosity hats on. In one study, people who were rated “less curious” by researchers had trouble getting a conversation rolling on their own, and had greater luck building closeness with others when they were supplied with questions that encouraged personal disclosure (“What is something people often assume about you, whether true or not?”). People who were rated “curious” needed no help transforming conversations about mundane things like favorite foods into intimate exchanges. A curious mind-set, the authors concluded, can be an important asset in experiencing connectedness through “positive social interactions.”(3)
3. Encourage follow on questions. A good secondary, or follow-up question works wonders. “Aim for a dialogue, not an FBI-like interrogation,” said Debra Fine, a communication expert and author of The Fine Art Of Small Talk. “There is so much more to a good conversation than merely asking questions and jumping from topic to topic,” Fine told HuffPost. Follow-up questions are key because they demonstrate genuine interest to learn more and provide additional information that can be used to ask another question or invite additional depth.
4. Introduce a specific conversation topic. Giving people a topic to discuss provides a bit of structure for the conversation. Choose a topic that is both relatable and has depth. For a group of animal lovers, a conversation topic might be ‘What We Can Learn from our 4-legged friends?.’ For a gathering of colleagues from work, an interesting topic might be “What do you think makes for an effective team?” or”Who is someone you’ve worked with who does a great job building community both inside and outside of the office.?”
5. Encourage one person to speak at a time. Having one person speak at a time naturally reduces small talk because it creates greater focus on the speaker and a moment for the speaker to say something of substance. Convers(ate) was inspired by the concept of a Jeffersonian Dinner which encourages a single conversation among the group. Coupling this style conversation with an interesting topic and a great set of question prompts can be just the right amount of structure to avoid small talk entirely and have an authentic and meaningful conversation that will last.

What do you think? If you have a tip to share, we’d love to learn from you. Drop us a line at hello@convers-ate.com.

1. Mehl et al., “Eavesdropping on Happiness” (Psychological Science, April 2010)
2. David Roberts, “Why small talk is so excruciating” (Vox.com, Oct. 2017)
3. Kashdan et al., “When Curiosity Breeds Intimacy” (Journal of Personality, Dec. 2011)
4. Brittany Wong, “This Is The Key To Mastering Small Talk, According To Harvard Researchers” (Huffington Post, June 2017)