If I was a famous writer I would be famous for writing a novel. That novel would be a satirical societal study with a great deal of pop culture references used to create similes that paint the right picture for the reader and make them snicker like SNL Jimmy Fallon. The rest of whatever this is will not exist during the time right after my work of fiction is published — it will exist a year or two or three or four following the publication of my work of fiction. Because there won’t just be one work of fiction. I will be, after all, a famous writer.

Soon after my first work of fiction, a collection of short stories will be published with my name on the cover. The title of the collection will be something like The Millennial Glare or Erotica In The Age Of Reality. Nine stories will be in this collection. Because: Maurice “The Rocket” Richard and I will be a famous writer. The Atlantic, New York Times and Esquire will profile me. I will come off as witty, self-indulgent, that sports guy in high school, and Canadian.

By the way: All of this will happen while I am still in my twenties — I’ll let you know when things progress into the dirty years.

Anyway,….

I’ll begin writing my second novel in Spain after seeing Ireland, England, France, and Italy. Beginning in Spain will not be planned. The trip, and my life by this point, will be very laissez faire. The novel won’t cover the experiences of my European excursion. A rural city will be the wherabouts of my second novel’s plotline.

The Abyss And Other Misconceptions, G’day And How Are Ya?, The Harvest, and Why You Don’t Look Back are plausible titles for my second novel.

It will take me 18 months to write my second novel and it will be published seven months after I enter my dirty years. By this time, I will have an apartment in Chicago, not New York. The entire time I am a famous writer, I will carry a dedication towards paving new paths for aspiring writers to look up to me for. Immortality, at all times, will be the deep-seeded and undeniable goal of all I write.

My second novel will do better than my first. And I will decide to only go onto HBO-style talkshows when it suits my schedule.

My schedule:

• Up between 7 and 9 AM, depending on previous consumption and start drinking a lot of coffee.
• Read about current events — news, sports, pop culture, awfulness — for 90 to 120 minutes.
• Procrastinate for 30 minutes by making more coffee, trying to convince myself I need to watch a movie or TV show or doing what guys do when they need to procrastinate and enjoy it.
• Write.
• Eat Dinner.
• Read fiction.
• Start a new round of consumption.

I will contribute journalistic pieces for Sports Illustrated, GQ, Men’s Journal, and Maclean’s. I will write editorials for online publications that place their beliefs in the centre or left and which publication I contribute to will depend where I place my beliefs just before sitting down to write my editorials. I will start talking on more main stream talk shows.

Chicago will still be home and my go-to pub will be Jonathan’s and my go-to bar will be The Den. Servers will know me by name and try to slip me manuscripts every three to seven months. I will read each one and provide notes like Change the point of view — who is telling me this?, I have a picture of what she looks like and prefer mine, I want to be in his head here, and Right, right, right, why?????

The Dawn And Truth will be the title of my third novel and I will be 37 when it is published. My longest book, the reviews will be mixed: Those that hate it will site me as pretentious and those that love it will credit their own intellects. I will still be living in Chicago.

On the book tour for The Dawn And Truth, the idea for a trilogy will arrive in my forward consciousness: Slave traders in the US when slave trading was illegal but slavery was not and the point will be showing how big business principals were developed during this time. My publisher will hate it and I will leave the only publisher I have ever known. The publicity surrounding this will make it easy to find a new publisher.

Three weeks following part one of the trilogy — which I have no idea what I will call — I will sign a movie rights deal. A lot of the money I get during this transaction will finance my 40th birthday party in Chicago.

The movie will come out when I am 43 and the second book to the trilogy will be published at the same time. And I will be a famous writer.