The Best Cookies Take Three Bites

A few days ago, I lost my keys in my purse. This is a pretty common happening even though my purse is only, like, six inches long and is a shoulder bag. In my haste to get out of the freezing rain, I started pulling things out of the little purse in a rapid fashion.

There were so many things in my purse: my wallet, my missing keys, my cell phone, several mints I took from a bar, a bunch of random pieces of papers with scribblings that said things like, “don’t forget [something I can’t read],” and a half-eaten cookie from Dean & DeLuca.

You would think this would be a joyous occasion. I found a cookie in my purse! But how old was this cookie? I had bought it the last time I was in New York. Luckily, I took a photo because the Dean & DeLuca had granite counter tops and I think those look really fancy:

According to Instagram, this cookie was five weeks old and a ginger cookie.

Why didn’t I finish this cookie that I claimed was very good on Instagram? I wasn’t a liar! I didn’t finish this cookie because it was way too fucking big. This cookie was four inches in diameter—or in cookie measurements, approximately 25 normal human bites.

That’s too many bites.

All cookies should only be three bites big. America has a problem with portion control and the greatest offenders are cookies! People think big cookies are better but those people are wrong. Big cookies have to cook longer which means they are often not soft enough, and softness is an important aspect of cookies. Big cookies sometimes have a lot of sugar and then later you get a stomachache from trying to eat the whole thing.

Big cookies also make you feel bad if you try to eat more than one. They are so big that you know you should have been satisfied eating just one—but what if you want the thrill of leaving your desk to eat another cookie from the table? Why should you have to live in discomfort?

All of this is easily solved. All cookies should be three bites: One bite out of excitement, one bite to evaluate taste of cookie, one bite to finish cookie.

Three bite cookies, forever.