10 Boring Things You Need to Know This Morning in Tech

The “August 14th the Year of Our Lawd 2013" Edition

1. A guy made a lot of money so he can make a women’s interest site because, being a guy who obviously does not read women’s interest sites, there are simply not enough women’s interest sites out there — “out there” meaning his new Feedly account.
2. The NSA is afraid of Big Data, which is that thick, creamy substance that rises to the top in a glass of Google Juice that’s left out for too long.
3. Google has not yet released the Pop Up Video version of Glass.
4. AOL CEO and disgraced professional bicyclist, Tim Armstrong, fired a photographer whose last name is Lenz. After realizing that the last name Lenz belonging to a photographer is too perfect, he apologized for his mistake.
5. Windows 8.1 will be released in mid-October. It will be free for Windows 8 users and $29 for people who shop at the Apple Store.
6. The old dads of the US government have started calling their tech savvy teens in the financial and federal agencies to Bing “virtual currency” and let them know how they can scare Americans into not using Monopoly money or Bitcoin — those coins that come out of brick blocks when Mario bumps his head into them.
7. At an event that could only be described as the sweet sixteen party I would have had if my parents loved me, LG released 100 phones attached to balloons and 20 people were shockingly left injured thanks to BB guns and spears, nbd.
8. A guy with a lot of money and a rainforest paid $250,000,000 for a newspaper that I could have just stolen from the porch of CVS before their employees showed up to open.
9. Rockmelt lol.
10. Yahoo! is in the middle of their logo-a-day project which has graphic designers on Twitter complaining because that’s what graphic designers on Twitter love to do when every single one of them is not consulted on a project they have nothing to do with. Meanwhile, I pray every night to the gods that they bring Yahoo! Internet Life Magazine back.

Jenn Schiffer is Chief Justice of CSS Perverts. A million candybars for James Plafke for being the inspiration of this important new column.