How to write Premium JavaScript

Earn more for your work

What do I mean by “premium” JavaScript? I’m glad you asked, fictional reader. Premium products and services are all about perceived value. They cost more money but are inferior to commonplace alternatives.

Sports cars, fancy watches, high-end audio products… All of these markets have been capitalizing on the vein, elitist egos of the wealthy for years. But what about web developers? Surely it must be possible for us to get in on the action, but how? And that’s what I plan on teaching you today.

Part I: Improving your code

Add ornate headers and comments

Comments are the first thing people see when they look at your source code. Use an ASCII art generator to make a great first impression.

Reinvent the wheel, poorly.

A premium software developer would never let some “common” open source library of the proletariat interact with their own code. For example, John Resig has to go and GIVE JQUERY AWAY FOR FREE. Free is for poor people. Maybe, one day, Resig will be able to command a salary for his work, but for now stay away. Roll your own jQuery alternative instead.

var $ = document.querySelectorAll;

This is 90% of the jQuery library. The rest is bloat and unit tests.

Use Roman Numerals

Create the following global vars in your JS

I = 1;
V = 5;
X = 10;
L = 50;
C = 100;
D = 500;
M = 1000;

Now use them wherever possible. This might prove tricky when working with arrays because the Romans had no concept of zero.

for (var i = I; i<=X; i+=I) {
  console.log('ad altiora tendo', i);
}

Functional Programming is IN

Nothing says “intellectual” like functional programming. “But I use functions all the time?” Not like this. Not like this…

const five = 5;
const three = 3;
const eight = add(five, three);

If you think that example was stupid, then obviously you’ve never used LISP.

Apply principles of typographic design

• Make a bold statement by horizontally centering a single line of code and surrounding it with 40 carriage returns
• Use non-Latin characters in variable names (D3.js does this)
• Right justify sections of code
• Insert comments in between arithmetic operations

Instead of descriptive comments, use vaguely appropriate passages from Dante’s Inferno

Block users who aren’t using an Apple device

This really doesn’t even need an explanation

Part II: Improving your personal brand

Insist on out of date methods of communication.

When you hear the word “premium” what country comes to mind? If you said “Europe”, you are correct. And in Europe, shit be olde, yo. 100 years ago there was no such thing as email, fax machines, or even phones.

Appeal to the client’s perception of European Quality ™ by only conversing via written letter. There’s a quaint, unspoken charm to handwritten letters. Clients will immediately understand where their money is going when they receive a wax sealed envelope and website wire frames that were drafted with a quill pen. This is the sort of attention to detail that you just can’t get from dime-a-dozen American software developers.

Keep ridiculous hours

Since our brand projects the image of fancy European workmanship, we should keep those same hours. It’s a fact that in France, people only work 4 hours a day. So if you have a client in California, insist that you will only be available to correspond avant le lever du soleil, Lun, Mar & Mer.

Legally change your name to a single word.

Madonna, Prince, Fabio, Sauron. These are all names that command respect. A catchy, single-word name can boost your SEO by at least 800 Googles. Just ask Jenn.

Part III: The heartbreaking conclusion

By now you should be diving through pools of money Scrooge-McDuck-style. Enjoy the rest of your life.

Nicholas Ortenzio offers one-on-one and group life coaching sessions to troubled web developers.