I Want a Thing, And I Want It Immediately

Why we desperately need a better way to get me things that I want without any effort from me, it should be pretty simple

Since being born on the Atlantic Northeast I have grown to love things. That is perhaps not too surprising, since this is generally considered to be the things capital of the world. In addition to some things and some other things in the country the area is also home to some more things.

There’s one thing though that has me perplexed. Why, in a world where my personal preferences and buying habits are instantly available in so many other situations, do I still have to spell out the things I want when I go to places where there are things?

The current status quo seems wrong on multiple levels:

• Time wasted waiting for things: I don’t like waiting for things, and nowadays I have to let people know what things I want. It’s pretty much the same thing every day. I’m a creature of habit. I just want things.
• Time wasted repeating myself: One day my dad’s ex-wife told me that the coffee she made me make her every morning was the worst, so I sweetened the pot with one cup of dirty dishwater from that point on. Now she’s dead. Just kidding, she’s totally alive.
• The wrong things: I ask for things but I get the wrong ones. We’re definitely not talking Six Sigma here. Where do the errors come from? Not from me, I’m fucking perfect.
• Do Overs: When I get the wrong thing, I throw it on the ground and have to get another thing. More wasted time. More waste in general.

I’d like to propose a way to circumvent this mess. What I want is an app that knows what things I want. It’s an app that just knows and I don’t have to do anything. And then everyone knows the things I want and they come correct every single time. And then, with my app that knows what things I want, I can get those things. Think Uber meets everything I want except better.

No more waiting for things. No more screw-ups in getting me things. No more wasted things and wasted time. I simply have an app that knows the things I want and I get them. And I’m much happier.

Is that really too much to ask for?

Jenn Schiffer is a celebrity plagiarist who likes things, and she’s worth it.