Next-level Lean Startups

Kicking your MVP to 11x

Start-ups should be lean, like Lean Cuisine. You should be able to stack 10 of your start-ups in the freezer. Put Post-it notes on them that say “DO NOT THROW OUT OR EAT — THESE BELONG TO TINA ONLY.” It does not matter if your name is Chad, these are now Tina’s Lean Cuisines.

Welcome to Silicon Valley, mother fuckers.

Move everything you know to California. There are no computers in New Jersey, what the fuck are you even doing here? Get your coats in a storage facility, ship your Macintosh machines and apples to the West Coast, and start your new life as a real life entrepreneur. Bring at least one of those coats, actually, but JUST ONE. The leanest one.

MVP. This is your Maximum Valuable Product. You want to sell it to the highest bidder for the lowest price, probably to Jeff Bezos. Don’t know my friend Jeff? Time to read some Wikipedia. On a Kindle. You’ll know what I mean.

Go to a church and light a candle or seven. BOOM. Angel investors. You need them to give you money to make your MVP even more V. Gotta get that V if you know what I mean. You do, because you read Wikipedia like I told you to in the last paragraph.

Developers are a must. They’re going to write your code. Finally, you can call yourself a programmer. This is going to look so fucking good on your LinkedIn page, just in time for your 10-year high school reunion. Tina is going to be so impressed, she’ll forget about that time you logged into her Livejournal account during study hall.

Time to start a Twitter. You’re going to follow Anil Dash and about 2000 other people. A few days later, you’re going to unfollow everyone but Anil Dash. This is how you build an audience. Hire the local froyo stand kid as an unpaid intern to handle your social media from that point forward.

To take it to 11x you better go to some local meetups. Make sure your VistaPrint business cards are ready and that your stomach can handle all the free cheese and diet colas you’re about to go HAM on. Tell everyone with at least one ear about how you just added “programmer” to LinkedIn. If you use the words “synergy,” “paradigm,” or “game-change,” then congratulations! You’re ready for Jeff Bezos.

Jeff Bezos is a paradigm-shifting programmer/entrepreneur who is totally over Tina, but, like, if you’re reading this, Tina, hit me up. Yeah, cool.