Not Another Code of Conduct Bl0g!

Ugh, conferences am I right?

This blog was not blogged using Adobe PageMaker 7.0

I have spoken at a lot of web developer conferences and fuck do I have opinions about them. For example, if you are giving a talk and your room and travel are not being paid for, the stage is an open court for anything you want to say. Take *two* shirts at the conference swag table. Use *both* shirts to wipe confectioner’s sugar off your face. Where did the sugar come from even? You brought it. You are a conference speaker who enjoys baked goods covered in airy powdered sugar. Get it, grrrl. Then get a third shirt; you’re gonna need it for later when you hit those donuts again.

“Then get a third shirt;”

One great thing about speaking at developer conferences is all of the free feedback from Important White Men™ you get afterwards and for the rest of your life. Just work on your talk and then give your talk and then stand around so those men can tell you what you could do to improve their entertainment.

I spoke at a conference once where there were many people who followed me on “Twitter” and wanted to meet me. One came up to me and said “I always wanted to do this!” and grabbed my hair! I told him I did not think that was cool and he said he thought it would be okay because he has seen my hair on the Internet! I walked away and then a guy pulled me into the pool because he wanted to play! I got out and then another guy went to grab my hair, but I stopped him. He was disappointed! I made a man sad and I think about it every night and day.

How to Insert a Menstrual Cup, which is an excellent alternative to using tampons, IMHO. In this illustration, just hold it on the side of your hip and wait for the skin to suck it into your reproductive system.

See, I have an Online Presence™ which makes me kind of like some Web Developer Barbie to be played with in real life. Pull my hair, grab my arms, graze your hand along the small of my back as you walk–as if it there were not five feet of space behind me for you to walk by. Tell your friend what you want to do to my body and have them tell me as you stand by and watch, wondering if I would oblige. Be angry that I do not. Send emails telling me how I should be more “lady like” in public and online, or that I should do a better job at talking to you and your friends instead of hanging out with just my own friends. Tell me how your jokes are better than the ones I told, but that you understand that’s the case because women are just not as funny as men are, it’s a fact!

“I am funnier and cuter than you!” — me to men
Just some random old ad I found on Google

Codes of conduct? More like CODES OF NO THANKS am I right? People still rob places when there are laws against it, so why even have laws? When conferences put the effort into creating or adopting a code of conduct, it shows that they are hearing those of us who are asking for some sense of safety or at least an effort put into it.

WHAT IS THAT ABOUT, LMAO!

I would love to see a third party group who polices codes of conduct, though. I think it would be great to have those things enforced. And I think it would be great for those groups to be representative of the population of web developer conference attendees. I’d say maybe have one woman, and like 80 guys. Is 81 a weird number to have in this group? Do they have to be police? We should probably start a group to research this. Maybe we can just do what universities do. They seem to do a good job at policing and making women feel safe on campus. Well, not just women. All *men matter!

I gave a talk recently where I used percentages of the dollar that women of different races make compared to white men, just as float items in a JavaScript array. Someone said I made the conference a less safe space for people who are not marginalized, so in turn I made the unmarginalized marginalized. How marginalizing of me!

“I literally do not care hahahahahaha” — some monster (ie. me)

Hahahahahaha blogging is not as bad as I thought it would be, it turns out. Men make it look so hard and important and thoughtful.


Jenn Schiffer uses images in her posts to show her opinions matter and were paid for. Just kidding, she wasn’t paid for this, but if she were it would be less than you’d make if you are a guy ROFL

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