To All the Men Who Broke Up With Me Before
I must know: why are you still watching my Instagram stories?
To my beloved exes:
Yesterday, my dog did the cutest thing. After I took her to the groomer (where the groomer put an adorable — albeit ridiculous — bow on her head), we went home to my condo, where she put a bone in her mouth and then walked around on her hind legs.
She’s a master of talents, my pup. Although, you know this, don’t you, because I posted it to my Instagram story (as the millennial in me was required to do), and each one of you watched it.
My Instagram story views tell the timeline of my dating life— a chronology of my relationship history — as your names all neatly stack one on top of the other. Day after day. Month after month. Every time I post a picture to my story.
Who viewed my story?
Bing. Bong. Bang. Boom.
When you broke up with me, the first thing I did was remove you from my social media. I unfollowed you; I unfriended you; I have not once watched your stories. You removed me from your life — I have no place watching you anymore, and for my own well-being, I won’t.
But — you broke up with me. You determined that the conjoining of our lives wasn’t conducive to your happiness — so I must know: why are you still watching mine?
To the boyfriend who was disappointingly unenthused when I bought my juicer but still always wanted me to make him juice…
That juice looks pretty good now, doesn’t it? The other day, I mixed carrots, ginger, oranges, and apples into a blend. It was a strangely appealing color, and the taste was delicious. The ginger completely settled my stomach. I’m going to make this one again.
But you know this already, because you watched my Instagram story.
To the boyfriend who complained that I liked to stay in too frequently…
I totally understood when you broke up with me. Your extreme extroversion and my extreme introversion could not find a happy balance. I liked staying in and watching Netflix; you liked to go out. I felt no hard feelings toward you upon our breakup.
But, since this breakup, I’ve posted two different Netflix series in my Instagram story. Twice you’ve responded with, “Oh I watched that too! Loved it!”
Why are you suddenly staying in…watching my Instagram stories?
To the boyfriend who didn’t like my “extremely vocal” opinions about human rights…
The state of Alabama is a dumpster fire, and I’ve been reposting memes and tweets about it in my Instagram story. I’ve been linking articles and stories about various human rights travesties in my Instagram story. I’ve been writing my opinion about all that’s happening in the world loudly and proudly— in my Instagram story.
As you can see, nothing about me has changed. I’m still the same girl who drove you crazy with her desire to speak up. And yet — you’re still tuning in.
To the boyfriend who said I post too many pictures of my cat and dog…
Well first of all, only psychopaths don’t like copious photos of animals — so, get that checked out, maybe.
But for someone who didn’t like all the pictures of my pets, you haven’t missed looking at even one since the breakup.
To all of you, I must know. Why haven’t you cut this cord?
My life wasn’t a match for yours, and on top of that, the Instagram version of it is far more inane than my actual day-to-day reality. But, still, you’re watching.
Maybe you’re just clicking through your stories. Maybe you’re just bored. Maybe you’re trying to keep the lines of communication open for whatever reason — we’re never going to have sex again — you know that, right?
In the meantime though, enjoy the adorable pictures of my animals and the delicious-looking meals I’ve been making. Enjoy my political tirades on a vast array of issues, and enjoy the pictures of me hiking with friends. Enjoy the quotes from the books I’m reading and enjoy the picture of the random flower I saw when walking down the street.
Maybe someday, we’ll get together and catch up. You can do the talking, and tell me all about the happenings your life — because you’re already well-versed in mine.