The Symphony of Gray: A Woman Unbound
American society thrives on binaries
American society thrives on binaries — black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. We’re force-fed these dichotomies from childhood, even when it comes to our own bodies. Skin color gets reduced to a handful of inadequate labels, erasing the beautiful spectrum we truly represent. In my mid-thirties, a stubborn brown woman with surprisingly youthful skin, I’ve finally stopped subscribing to these arbitrary limitations.
It was subscribing to these “either/or” ideas that kept me trapped. There’s no room for complexity, for the beautiful mess that is life, in such stark terms. What about the vast, fertile land of gray? That’s where I’ve chosen to plant my flag. In this gray area, I can hold space for a symphony of emotions, thoughts, and feelings that seemingly clash but ultimately sing the beautiful melody of womanhood.
Take religion, for example. I find myself comfortably agnostic. Yet, on Easter Sunday, there I am, hand in hand with my family, heart swelling with love as we say grace. It’s a ritual, a connection grounded in love, not dictated by rigid dogma. My spirituality, however, leans heavily towards the divine feminine. The Universe, as I envision it, is the all-encompassing womb, the ultimate gray area. It holds within it all the darkness and light, the joy and sorrow, the black, white, and every shade in between. The Universe whispers to me through repeating numbers like 111 or 444, or answers unspoken questions with a serendipitous line in a book. It’s a language of reassurance, a gentle nudge on the path I’m meant to walk.
Then there’s God. He’s the one I turn to with my worries, the traditional “Dear God, please don’t let this pain mean a return of endometriosis.” He’s the masculine aspect of my spiritual landscape.
It took me a while to realize the liberation that came with embracing the gray. No longer did I struggle to fit my multifaceted self into neat, labeled boxes. Now, I can experience immense joy at a shared glance with the love of my life across a dinner table, a joy tinged with the curiosity and questions regarding if children are in the cards for us. These seemingly opposing emotions are allowed to coexist. They don’t diminish each other; they create a richer, more poignant tapestry of womanhood.
For so long, I believed that happiness and sadness, like oil and water, could never truly coexist. Now, I understand it’s not about compartmentalizing, but about accepting the fluidity of emotions. They ebb and flow, creating a dynamic inner symphony that guides me through life’s journey.
The pieces of my life, once scattered and confused, are finally settling into place. It’s a slow process, an ongoing dance in the fertile land of gray. But with each embrace of my complex self, each acceptance of the contradictions that make me who I am, the harmony becomes clearer, the melody more beautiful. This is the symphony of a woman unbound, a woman who thrives in the exquisite shades of gray.
