The Writer’s Life — Ne’er the Sniff of a Fee!

Guest post written by David Smith

The rules to becoming a successful writer are:

Step one — Write something.

Step two — Send it off.

Step three — Repeat steps one and two until you get a big fat publishing deal, buy Trump Tower and retire.

If only it were that easy. That was in the good old days (or was it?).

It’s not that simple now (or is it?).

Okay, step one is easy enough, write something.

But what? A tweet? A book? A screenplay? A blog?

Then there’s the ‘send it off’ bit.

Where to?

There are literally thousands of people out there claiming to be either publishers or literary agents. Just about all of them boast that they’re eager to find new talent, the next big thing, something original that’ll shake the literary world to its foundations. And YOU may be the very person they’re looking for.

But in the real world…

You’ve spent the last six months writing a manuscript. It’s your pride and joy. You want to share it with the world because you’re vain and want to be worshipped, and make gazillions? … No! Because you’re a creative, which means you’re insecure about what you do and need reassurance. If you managed to find a publisher interested and have a novel produced and somebody actually bought a copy, then that validates your talent.

So, you do your research. You find a publisher or agent that’s the ideal match for what you’ve written. Then you man up (or non-gender specific up), swallow down your fear of rejection, and send it in.

Duh!

This publisher / agent doesn’t accept email submissions.

So you look a little closer at the publisher / agent’s website and read the submissions small print a little more closely.

The next one wants only the first 50 pages, double spaced, plus a synopsis of the work and your potted history.

The next again wants the first three chapters in Bahnschrift SemiBold font size 11 triple spaced for chapter one, double spaced for chapter two, and one point five spaced for chapter three plus your bank account details, pin code, and which plant pot you hide your front door key under when you go on vacation.

And they’re the good ones, i.e. the ones that don’t charge a reading fee, or only accept manuscripts on parchment bound with ribbons torn from a virgin’s hair (in a non-confrontational way).

If you have a will of iron and the patience of Job you finally send off your manuscript. Then what?

Days turn into weeks turn into months, possibly even years. Eventually you receive your rejection.

“Dear (fill in blank) — Yes, I’ve actually had a rejection with that opener!

Thank you for sending us your manuscript which we’ve read with interest. Whilst we were impressed with the work unfortunately we have decided that you are a talentless f*ckwit that should give up writing and become anything else. A clown, perhaps. This is only this publisher / agency’s opinion of your work. Another publisher / agent may have a different opinion, although I doubt it unless it’s one who chugs down Mogadon like Tic-Tacs and whose first language is Inuit.

With our very best wishes,

Etc. etc.”

After a little cry you revert to the golden rules above on how to become a successful writer. You find another publisher / agent and repeat the process then sit back and wait.

So far, after eight years of trying, I have never succeeded in getting any publisher / agent interested in anything I’ve written, this despite adopting several aliases in which I defined myself as one, some, or all of the categories listed below:

Obscenely rich, dirt poor, gay, transgender, cross-dresser, nudist, from an ethnic minority, a child genius, a year older than Methuselah, the illegitimate son of (fill in someone famous’ name here), disabled, possessing a superpower, from a persecuted religious minority, ex death row prisoner, a minor royal, an extreme right / left / animal rights / flat earth activist, an alien, a ‘me too’ victim, a ‘me too’ villain, a gorilla mutant, and finally — the man that lives inside Donald Trump.

Nothing! Not a sniff.

It’s hard enough being a writer nowadays, but twenty times as hard (my estimate) if you come to it late. Yes, this is the hub of it all. I’m retired. By that I mean I have a pension and no job. I’ve just turned 67 but still feel 21.

Since retiring I’ve written 12 novels, and had over 100 short stories published in anthologies, magazines and on websites. I’ve written screenplays from short scripts to features, from TV thrillers to sitcoms, from ghost stories to love stories. I’ve learned so much about writing along the way so surely I can’t be that bad, can I?

So why keep writing?

The money?

My last pre-retirement job was as a consultant. I earned more in half a day doing that than I’ve earned in eight years of writing.

The kudos?

Nobody reads what I write, so it can’t be that.

The love of writing?

Absolutely!

There are few feelings better than turning out a piece of writing that you can be really proud of (or is that of which one can be really proud?).

I get more pleasure from a day’s creative writing than a month slogging away doing something I really didn’t like that much but paid by the bucket-load.

So, here’s my advice to new writers. Follow the rules at the start of this article. If you never get a word published it’s a brilliant and rewarding journey… just not financially in my case.

Next time (if I’m allowed to submit another piece after this one) I’ll be discussing freelancing and how to go broke that way.

Good luck and keep scribbling!

About David Smith: I’m a novel and screenplay writer. I’ve published 12 novels to date and had over 100 short stories published in anthologies, magazines and on web sites. I’ve written 5 feature scripts, TV thriller pilots, sitcoms, and shorts. I write in many genres but specialise in comedy drama, thrillers and horror. I live in the most beautiful part of the world (West Wales) with my best pal / wife Allison. I like long walks, travel, and meeting new people — No, that’s a lie. I’m a hermit!
To learn more of David’s life, visit his Twitter, Instagram, & website