In this corner

George Orwell. Animal Farm. 1984. 6 foot 2. Weight unknown. Mustache grade: at least he’s trying.

And in this corner

Mark Twain. Tom Sawyer. Huck Finn. 5 foot 8. 145 pounds. Mustache grade: are you kidding me right now.

Tap gloves, boys

All right, gents. Let’s have a good, clean fight. This thing is going three rounds. Best of 3. Winner wins. Loser loses.

Round 1: Clear and Concise

Orwell: Never use a long word where a short one will do.

Twain: Use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English—it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don’t let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in.

Twain started strong, then kept going and finally wrapped up with a V bomb most of us have to Google. Yes, that’s the joke. He’s verbose in a tip about unverbosity. Hilarious.

Twain got too cute in Round 1 and opened himself up for an efficient jab from Orwell. Mustache aside, he has some work ahead of him if he wants to swing this fight. Round 1 winner: Orwell

Round 2: Editing

Orwell: If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.

Twain: Substitute damn every time you’re inclined to write very; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Oh my. Don’t step on the tracks when the Twain’s coming through. This is possibly the best tip ever written about the world’s worst adverb. Round 2 winner: Twain

Round 3: Final Writing Advice

Orwell: Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

Twain: Write without pay until somebody offers pay. If nobody offers within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for.

Orwell with the change of pace! “Hey guys, remember those rules I told you to follow? FORGET THEM ALL.”

Twain’s fancy footwork got him into early trouble, but that’s precisely what allowed him to escape. Winner of the Writing Tips Deathmatch: Mark Twain

Moral of the Story

Take it from America’s greatest humorist: if your writing doesn’t stand out like you think it should, try injecting some funny.

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