6 Ways to Cultivate Virtue in Our Sons (or prevent them from becoming a Sith Lord)

“I wish you were Darth Vader and I was Luke.”

So said Logan, my five-year-old.

Logan knows very little about Darth Vader’s true character at this point. I think he just likes the black helmet.

However, one thing is clear: my son is drawn to “bad guys”. The villains in stories are the ones he is attracted to. They are the ones he is most likely to personify when he plays. His favorite person right now is the evil Emperor Palpatine.

No, I’m not concerned about him yet. He’s also incredibly sweet and breaks down in tears when he’s hurt his sister or has said something in anger like “you’re the worst dad ever.” (Hard to believe, but he has said that.)

But, of course, I think often about how best to encourage virtue and build character in my son. Or in the parlance of Star Wars, how do I prevent him from being seduced by the dark side of the force?

I suppose I need to take a difficult look at myself, do the hard work, and model virtue (Jedi robe optional).

Daunting? Yes.

But possible.

Here are 6 ways we can approach cultivating virtue in our sons:

1. STAND up. A Japanese proverb says “fall down seven times, stand up eight.” A Biblical proverb similarly states, “a righteous man falls seven times but arises.” You will fail. We all do. It’s important that we demonstrate perseverance to our sons, along with the idea that the greatest failure is to stay down. Don’t be defined by your failures. We are not our worst behavior or thought. We can work every day at becoming a more moral man. That should be our aim.

2. APOLOGIZE. Publicly, if needed. When we act wrongly toward our spouse or partner in front of our sons we must also apologize in front of our sons. Model humility and contriteness. Our sons will then witness love and reconciliation at work. It should go without saying, but also apologize to your son when you have wronged him.

3. TOUCH. Model the appropriate way to touch others for your son. Do not hit anyone. Let him witness appropriate and affectionate touching of your spouse. Hold hands. Give hugs. And hug your son. Often. And don’t be afraid to kiss him.

4. SPEAK kindly. When speaking of others make an effort not to ridicule, mock, or disparage them (especially in front of your son). Avoid gossip. When you fail (see point 1), apologize (see point 2) and move on.

5. LISTEN. A great way to model humility and effective communication is to listen. Speak less. Demonstrate the importance of the other person: your partner, your son, the barista at the coffee shop, the waitress. Everyone. Show your son that everyone has value and should be treated respectfully.

6. TALK. Be sure to talk with your son about your life, your mistakes, your failures, and your successes (at an age-appropriate level). Talk with your son about the messages we get from the media. Ask questions and evaluate the commercials on TV, the movies you watch, the video games you play. And tell your son that you love him. Every single day.

We will fail. No one is expecting perfection. The key is to stand up, work at it again tomorrow, and love your son fiercely.

If we do that our sons will likely aspire to become Jedi Knights rather than be tempted by the dark side (and change their name to Darth Somethingorother).

How do you work to develop character and cultivate virtue in your son?