We’re Going to Zoom, Zoom, Zooma, Zoom

The State of Medium Address 2020

[Edit: The following is the “State of The Medium” speech delivered by the First Tribune of Medium, Gutbloom, before the Medium Senate on May 1, 2020. Due to the Coronavirus epidemic, the meta-fictional address was moved further from the center of the “sane” galaxy in the Mildew Multiverse by being held on a video conferencing platform. For fear of lawsuit, we will decline to name the platform here, but it starts with a “Z” and rhymes with “tomb”. The transcript of the address follows. Why you would read this transcript rather than watch the recorded “*oom” meeting is beyond us, but having watched this disaster live, we understand any desire to scrub forward, even if it means facing an uncertain future. ]

9:01 AM

Gutbloom: Is this thing on? Can you hear me? OH, there I am. Lord have mercy! Why didn’t Pee Wee tell me that I had scrambled eggs in my mustache? [Edits: The Tribune wiped his mustache on his sleeve] Um, can you guys take that towel off the chair behind me? I don’t want the voters to think I am the kind of person who leaves a towel on the back of a chair. Also, take the leash off of Chim Chim. Ever since Tiger King everyone gets upset about owning exotic animals, and they don’t know that he is a rescue monkey. I rescued him from the Temple of Ramakrishna in India…