Loneliness: 1
To: Francis Pedraza
Saturday, 26 August 2017
Re: Discovering the Path Out of Loneliness
A response to “Discovery Sounds Strange” by Francis
If you take the phrase, “Be who you are and say what you feel,” literally at face value, then yes, speaking your mind and doing what you want, will absolutely lead to loneliness. But what if we look at it from another perspective? Let’s start with some context. Dr. Seuss adopted this phrase for a children’s book. How do we speak to children? Hopefully with kindness, compassion and encouragement. The phrase, “Be who you are and say what you feel,” is absolutely encouraging! It takes tremendous vulnerability and audacity to step out into the world without a mask to hide behind. I’ll get into why we wear masks in a minute, but let’s continue down the path of vulnerability. If you continue bravely down the path, you’ll discover that it leads directly to authenticity. Authenticity is really what’s at the core of, “be who you are and say what you feel.”
Being authentic does not mean that you stomp all over feelings and alienate people with your opinions. Authenticity = trust.
Speaking your mind and showing your feelings lets people know who you are and where you stand. Your needs are clear, and so are your boundaries. People know what to expect. This puts them at ease because it takes the social guess work out of the interaction. Remember… most people are just as worried whether or not you will like them! We are all afraid of rejection, but when we drop our guard and let everything out into the open, we release the energy that’s supplying worry and can instead use it towards the conversation and shared experience.
Trust leads to connection. Connection is the ultimate antidote to loneliness.
When we are our true selves, rejection hits extra hard. When we’re wearing a mask and people don’t accept us, it’s easy to say it was the mask they didn’t like — instead of the truth that’s underneath it. We develop masks to protect us. Masks are like uniforms. They help us fit in with a group. They are identifiers. We feel safe when we belong, so we’ve become brilliantly skilled at blending in.
But there’s a catch. Masks are degrading. They allow people to take our power, they allow external forces, groups and people to shape who we are — without our permission. They allow people to project their images on us and the danger with that is if we’re lonely, we’re more willing to accept these images in exchange for belonging. Belonging is a sly fellow. Belonging wears its own mask, posing as connection.
When we are truthful, people know we’ve taken a risk. Yes, sometimes we will get taken advantage of and be hurt, but usually, the opposite happens. People level up and risk themselves too. When you have two people out on an emotional limb, there is often an instant deep connection that comes out of sharing an emotionally dangerous experience.
Another point — How can we expect other people to like and know us if we don’t even like and know ourselves?
Yes, it feels safer to hide, but the safety we feel is an illusion. When we hide from ourselves and others, we rob the world of our gifts and we rob ourselves of experiencing our truth and joy. I guarantee you that this leads to resentment. Resentment festers away at our insides until we are filled with rotten disdain for ourselves and contempt for our world. I know this because I have been there. The beautiful flip side is that when we choose instead to be open (yes, it is a choice!), our hearts become so full there is no room for loneliness to take up residence.
So if you’re still with me, you’ll have noticed a circular pattern. If you follow the loop around, you’ll see that authenticity (speaking your mind and saying what you feel) is actually the only way out of loneliness. Authenticity is the key that opens the gate to our hearts.
I’m definitely not saying that this process is easy, and I am also not saying that’s it’s a one-and-done deal. We have to continually choose to stay open and live in truth. The good news is that you can actually make a habit out of showing up authentically. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.
As E.E. Cummings said, “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”
It’s a beautiful fight and one I absolutely believe is worth fighting. You matter and the world deserves to see who you truly are, so step out onto that emotional limb. I’ll see you there ;)
If you’re interested in learning more about authenticity and vulnerability — and their link to fear and shame — I highly recommend visiting Bréné Brown’s excellent work on this topic, particularly her book, “Daring Greatly.”


