Online dating, it can be hard. We all know. Sorry, I’m projecting onto you… You don’t know… That’s why you’re here. There are so many factors that contribute to a GOOD online profile: your photos, the right bio, your opening line. But not to worry, as a seasoned Tinder professional I’ve got you covered. Trust me, at least one of my 759 matches will tell you, probably. Just don’t ask Dylan, ask anyone but Dylan.

YOUR PHOTOS:

You want to pick photos that really scream YOU, while simultaneously looking perfect, fun, and interesting, AND if you even think about photoshopping them you better reconsider it unless you want to die in a fire, because that makes you a liar…. and liars go to hell……...

Let’s take a look at my photos for examples.

This one is my main photo. I used this one because I have always felt that my strongest feature is my smile, and I feel like when you look at this photo, it’s the first thing you see. I mean look at those teeth!

First thing you notice with this one…… my hair. It looks great here.

Now I know this one is a little bit of a #TBT, but I just like how it shows how nerdy I am and have always been. Because I’m not a regular girl, I’m just like a nerd you know.. Like I play video games and watch Star Wars and like Doctor Who and stuff, and this photo really just says it all.

YOUR BIO:

Much like your photos, you need to pick a bio that makes you stand out, and is just totally YOU. Make it excruciatingly long, let it include all the details of your life, secrets, and problems. Take a moment to read mine, and also notice the use of excessive boob.

HOT TIP: Make sure you add your insta handle so your potential hubby or wifey can further approve of you.

YOUR OPENER:

Now that you’ve got the perfect photos up, and an informative/elaborate bio, what do you say? How do you open?

Typically ladies, you’re going to want to use something subtle.

Or like this:

OR you can even play off of their bio like this:

You want to be sexy and enticing, but you also want your future spouse to know that you fit perfectly into your set gender role that society has created for you by being gentle, sheepish, and but still eager. After all you are a lady, now get back into the kitchen and make make ‘em a sandwich already!

YOUR TIMING:

It’s important to know that it’s never too late! Haven’t been online for a while? No worries just be honest!

Honesty goes a loooong way.

THE CONCLUSION:

That’s it ladies! You’ve perfected your online profile! Now that you’re ready, get out there and start having sex with all those guys and gals…. you know, the one, who is in that one band? You’d know ‘em if you saw ‘em.

Yay! You made it to the end! If you liked this you can catch me saying funny things in 140 characters or less on twitter @CaitlinGwynne. Thanks for reading!