As I get older I realize more and more that there is this key part of me that’s missing.
Everyone else has this part so why don’t I?
After intense research the answer is: I don’t know.
But what is important is because of my inability to feel, I can now provide you with this list of things that should be embarrassing to me, but are not.
Hopefully you can feel the embarrassment for me.
Spoiler: you will.
- ) I once walked into Home Depot as Nicki Minaj and people did NOT like it.
2. ) Pretty recently, I walked around for the full day with my pants completely ripped in half, and no one told me.
So obviously I posted it on twitter.
3. ) I just found my Myspace page from 2005.
The caption to this photo reads: U dont have 2 tell me how freakin SEXY i am!!! (the 1 on the right)
I was 12.
4.) I once dated a certain man in a certain band and one morning before band practice I whispered “I’m going to fucking Yoko Ono you” in his ear.
Their band is still together, and we are not.
5. ) The fact that I unapologetically love Drake.
6. ) On the first day of my Intercultural Communications class we were assigned to introduce another student as a team building exercise of sorts.
I introduced Angela to the 1999 melody “I’m Blue” by Eiffle 65. It went like this,
“Yoooooo listen up, here’s a story about a little lady and her name is Angela.
And all days of her life she’s lived in Palm Desert,
With Eric, her husband, and they have 6 kids
Psychology’s her major, she hates to cook,
She’s got 3 associates
And everything is good for her, and herself,
And everybody around, cause she ain’t got,
Nobody to listen to….
Angela, Angela, Angela, Angela, Angela,
Angela, Angela, Angela, Angela, Angela,
Angela, Angela, Angela, her name’s Angela.”
This was right after she thought she would try out her first ever attempt at stand up and introduced me by doing a painfully unfunny roast on me, and used phrases to describe me like “complicated home life” and “she met her boyfriend at a bar, so I don’t know how long it will last. haha. I’m just kindin’ ya” Needless to say everyone forgot what she said and couldn’t get “I’m Blue” out of their head for the rest of the day.
7.) The one time I decided I would try my hand at sign twirling… and didn’t tell anyone… until now.. because I thought it would be funny… and it was my own inside joke with myself.
The job description included me wearing a Lady Liberty costume, and I made twenty whole dollars.
8.) The one time I was so single that I hit on a guy from Vimeo support.
You can check out the email below.
9.) Two thousand and fucking five again.
My shirt reads: I’m Busy Now, Can I Ignore You Later?
If you’re wondering what I was sporting below the belt it was gauchos, and Etnies.
10.) And lastly, probably the fact that I’m saying all of this now over the world wide interweb.
Here’s the point though, I really need you to join my multi-level pyramid scheme. Help me sell all of this Nutrilite. I have a lot of Nutrilite. I just quit my job and mama has a fuck load of Swedish vitamin supplements to sell.
And here’s my other point. Maybe not having the ability to be embarrassed isn’t so bad. I think that we have to really stop caring what other people think of us, because you know who you are, they don’t. So honestly, who cares what other people think of you. Have more fun being you.
What matters most is what you think about you,
and I bet you’re pretty rad.
But who cares what I think about you anyway, right?
This story has been sponsored by Nutrilite.
Yay! You made it to the end! If you liked this you can catch me saying funny things in 140 characters or less on twitter @CaitlinGwynne. Thanks for reading!
