Hey y’all this is Mimsy Heartland, I’m steppin’ in for Cait cause she decided to take a week off, figured she could use a little bit of Southern hospitality on her blog or what have you.
Little bit about me before we get started I got three babies: Swirly, Curly, and Batman. You might be thinking to yourself, “Wow those are some pretty freakish names” but in the Heartland home we let our kids name themselves.
I was a teen mom, but I did not make it onto the show. They said it was on a count that I am in fact now 52. I don’t think it matters, teen mom is a teen mom, and I knew as soon as I seen Honey Boo Boo on the TV that I was destined to be a reality TV star. My catch phrase would go something like, “Can you hear Mimsy now? Good?” RIGHT when I’m ‘bout to own a bitch. Like the Verizon Wireless guy.. Except with “Mimsy” in it.
So I been noticing a lot lately that the internet is really into these so called “life hacks.” Well I’m a great cook and I thought maybe I could set you up with some cooking hacks, and that just maybe Tru TV will see this and set me up with my own reality TV show, with cookin’ segments!
- ) Melting Butter
I only have paper cups in my house, so what I usually do is put it in my pants. A ladies pants is a hot place, so you better believe that butter gets warm as hell real quick.
2.) Making Frozen Treats
Youtube chef Gemma Stafford says you can make frozen popsicles. All you need is a fuck load of fruit, some popsicle molds, then something called puree or puree-ing? I don’t know.
OR you can do what I do, and feed your kids ice. Same frosty texture minus 100% of the work, and zero calories.
3.) Mixing
Theboatgalley.com which is somehow a cooking website, gives us 3 Keys to Easier Hand Mixing, and to their 3 keys I say: bullshit.
Just spin the bowl ‘round real fast, that’ll mix that shit right up. Or if you’re anything like me and believe that all utensils are secretly the devil’s work, use a cigarette to mix it .
4.) Simple Salad Recipe
RealSimple.com, who’s name is literally REAL SIMPLE brings us a beautiful recipe for salmon cucumber fennel salad, so if four 6-ounce pieces skinless salmon fillet, 1 tablespoon olive oil, 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper, kosher salt and black pepper, 1 lemon, thinly sliced, a 1/2 cup plain low-fat Greek yogurt, 1 tablespoon cider vinegar, 1 fennel bulb, cored and thinly sliced, plus 2 tablespoons chopped fennel fronds, 1/2 English cucumber, thinly sliced, and rye bread is just fucking laying around feel free to make this simple salad.
What I best recommend is going to pizza hut throwing that puppy on a pan and telling everyone you made it. Boom. Salad. Pizza salad.
Salad can be anything if you believe hard enough, is what I always say.
Oh god, she’s waking up. Alright, listen, listen, I’m going to be frank with you. Cait didn’t let me borrow her blog. I have her tied up sitting right next to me. Everyone - she’s okay, it’s okay, it’s all okay. I just thought that this would be the best way for a reality show to see me. I got all this talent, and all this beauty, and a great catch phrase. You can hear Mimsy now, good! So TRU TV, MTV I’ll be waiting to hear from ya. I may lay low for a couple days though.
So I hope you enjoyed my cookin’ hacks, and the next time I see you will be on TV! Someone come pick Cait up, I will leave her on the side of the road.
Yay! You made it to the end! If you liked this you can catch me saying funny things in 140 characters or less on twitter @CaitlinGwynne. Please someone come get me. Thanks for reading!
