LOVE, YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND XO

Okay, Aubrey. Let’s get things straight. You’re right, I used to call you just like you used to call me. In fact, we talked ALL the time, because we were in a long term relationship. I loved you when you lived with your mom, when you rolled your ass around the Degrassi set as Jimmy. We had a nice thing going, but then you left the city, blew up and started rapping lyrics like,fuck it, I’m not here to love.” Which was unbeknownst to me.

After you basically broke up with me through the radio, I decided I wasn’t going to wait around for you because let’s be honest, I’m hot. I’m yoga pants hot. I’m surface of the sun, rap video girl hot. I’m hot enough to date *~Drake.

So I made some new girl friends like a rational person would. I got better clothes and I started going out. Also, why are you shitting on the champagne I’m drinking? Champagne is the classiest drink. I’m not out there on the dance floor blacking out on 7 shots of vodka, or doing keg stands. I’m drinking glasses of Daum Crystal, you dick.

Also, who’s this bitch?

Once I got tired of going out, I started to travel. I had once in a lifetime experiences, and saw the world. You said I “started going places [I] don’t belong. Did you want me to just stay put, and wait for you…. In Canada? I was looking at Paris from the top of the Eiffel Tower, while you were getting dissed by Meek for not writing your own music and left wondering if I was “bending over backward for someone else.”

Spoiler alert: I am. I’m doing the most for my own damn self because I don’t need you, Aubrey Graham. I know you’d like to think that all the things I do are done just to get back at you, but I have to let you know that you’re not so special.

I do them for me.

So keep singing your songs, I’ll be in Bali with my girls dancing under the stars.

Also, I fucked Future. Oh, What a Time to be Alive.

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated Caitlin Halbeisen’s story.