The One Time You Paid for the Date with Your Own Blood

You were 15 and he was 17. He asked you to go to the movies. Your mom always told you that whoever asks, pays. But your mom hadn’t gone on a date since 1941. Wait, that can’t be right? Whatever, you were never good at math anyway. So instead you went by the fairy tale rules which meant that he would show up to your door with a single rose, he would pay and you would float home on a cloud. He showed up roseless, but that was okay because at the spry age of 15 you already knew that fairy tales didn’t always hold true to real life. This was because you weren’t a leading cast member of SNL or a young, hot millionaire yet. He felt cool in his 1999 Buick LaSabre, you felt cool because your mom didn’t have to drop you off for once.
When you guys got to the movie theater, he didn’t bring his wallet because he thought you were paying. You didn’t have any money (probably because you were 15) but you remembered that you had just donated blood a few days before and the kind people at The Red Cross gave you two movie vouchers for it. You paid to see fucking Cloverfield with your own blood. Do you know how good 2008 was for movies? Step Brothers, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Tropic Thunder, The Dark Knight. And you spent your blood money on fucking Cloverfield! Fucking Cloverfield!
When he dropped you off and tried to lean in for a kiss you wondered how likely it was that you could actually get away with murder.

The One Time You Looked Too Good

He looked like a more square faced, poor man’s version of Skylar Astin. You were into it because Pitch Perfect just came out and you had a thing for guys that could really belt out some show tunes and rock a crew neck sweater.

At 18, you were still having trouble separating fairy tales from reality. You didn’t know that just because this guy looked like Skylar Astin did not mean that he was him. The only thing in common between the two was that they were both actors. (But who isn’t, amirite?) He was featured more in college indie films, and possibly low budget pornography, not multi-million dollar blockbusters. Whatever, it was enough for you because he was hot and that’s basically all that mattered to you then. He asked you out so you put on a nice dress, and make up. You curled your hair and put on heeled boots. Then you got the text that read “im here.”
You walked outside, where he was standing outside of his car. He was wearing a black polo, sweat pants, and flip flops. You had just won 2012 senior’s best dressed and you were not going to have any of this, even then. Sweat pants and flip flops? You knew.

He would later send you surprise snapchats of him on the toilet and photos of his pay stub that he earned working at the local gym. You would wonder how one person could be such a gem.

The One Time You Went Out With an Ego Maniac

You didn’t know him well, but he seemed nice. He was 20 and so were you. It was weird because you had never dated someone your own age. You thought you may as well try because, well… See above. He asked to take you out to the Grammy Museum, and then out to dinner. It sounded nice. He came to pick you up and in the car ride over he mainly talked about his beard, what other people thought of his beard, and beards in general. He mentioned several times how other people in cars next to you were looking at his beard, while he failed to yield on greens without a sense of direction. All of these things combined made your eyes get permanently stuck in an eye roll and your vagina dry up like the Sahara Desert.
When you got to the museum’s window he asked you,
“So how do you want to do this? I-I don’t know, some girls get weird about guys paying for them.”
It was fine, this wasn’t the first time and you had a job now. You could pay for yourself. The women who worked at the window must have gotten distracted by your bad choices in men as she charged you for both tickets. Fifty dollars later, you tried to convince yourself into having a good time as you walked through what turned out to be the Ringo Star exhibit at the Grammy museum. He would not let your forget that Ringo was his favorite Beetle and that the coffee he had earlier was “running right through him.”
After the museum, he said he was excited to take you to the restaurant he planned, but as you walked there you passed a Chipole.
“I’m pretty hungry right now. That looks good,” he said, “let’s go here instead.”
As you walked in, he shouted, “-and don’t worry. I got you on this! But no guac, because that’s extra.”

You wondered when death would come.

The One Time You Were An Hour Late

You had just turned 21, and you stayed out late the night before with your friends, and forgot that you agreed to meet him for mimosas the next day. You accidentally slept in, and you woke up in a panic. You sent a text apologizing but he said it was okay since his friends were actually there. (You would learn later that he purposely picked a place his friends would be, because he somehow already knew you and your tendencies to be late to everything.) When you got there he looked nice, which was embarrassing because you mainly had your make up on from the night before. When it was time to pay you discovered that this time you actually forgot your wallet, you knew he thought you were lying, but he wasn’t mad and said he would have paid anyway. You talked about your backgrounds, your families, your friends, your passions, and what you hoped for your futures. The day turned into night and you went out for sushi with him and all his friends. You were kind of drunk when you told his friend that if he “didn’t shut his pretty little mouth,” you would “rip his pretty little teeth out.” His friend was terrified of you which you liked, but he wasn’t, he thought you were funny.
You didn’t know this yet, but this would actually be your last first date.

In the following months he made you realize that the one time you paid with your blood all the way to the time you almost ripped a man’s beard clean off of his face was worth it. All of these awful dates led you to him, they let you appreciate him for how wonderful he was, how wonderful he is and continues to be. He makes you better, he motivates you. He is benevolent, smart, and forgiving. He is witty, and clever, and strong. He is honest, and man is fiiiiiiiiioooooone.

You didn’t think this would be a love story, did you? See? I told you.

Yay! You made it to the end! If you liked this you can catch me saying funny things in 140 characters or less on twitter @CaitlinGwynne. Thanks for reading!