This is (almost) 40.
Today I’m 39 years old looking at exactly 39 days until my 40th birthday. I’m not afraid to admit this milestone is affecting me much more than I ever thought it would. I was actually relieved to hit my 30th birthday having just been married, with a promising career and on the cusp of home ownership. It was all coming up roses 10 years ago.
My approach to 40 is different. I’m not relieved to see the big 4–0. I’m a little ashamed to admit that because I tell myself I’m lucky to be turning 40. I’m proud to have carved out a small piece of the world for myself by 40. I know a handful of people about my age that are not as lucky- to either reach those life stages or to reach the age of 40. Some are dead. One or two are in jail and not getting out. A few are just in weird situations. I have a friend (not dead or locked up but in one of those life situations) who constantly heaps praise on me. “You did it! You made it! You’re the dad we never had or knew existed.” It makes me feel good that I’m so busy living at (almost) 40.
But, I can’t help but be a little melancholy on the eve of my birthday. I don’t feel like I made it. I don’t feel like a success. I feel like an “almost made it”. When you compare yourself to the mean, you typically come out looking good but when compared to our own standards and expectations we seldom live up. That’s what I’m dealing with- superficial measurements of success. I should have a bigger house, a nicer car, less debt. All of these things should bring about a brighter outlook on life. I have these things in quantities, but not in an amount that satisfies me at night.
The things I don’t stay up at night worrying about- my kids’ happiness, my wife’s love, the friendship of a few friends who have been with me over most of those (almost) 40 years. My health. I have a job that lets me wear Jordans, a hoodie, and headphones through the door every day. I have these things in spades. By any measure, these are the things that “matter”. So the right things are going really right and for that I’m eternally thankful.
But I’m a human. I’m envious, impatient, and greedy. I don’t actually covet anyone’s car, I’m in love with the idea of a nicer car. I like the idea of my kids living in a neighborhood with bigger houses than our present one. These are things I have to attain for us. Measures of my success as the leader of a family. But if I know my kids well, I know they are not concerned with these things. The kids in our neighborhood are just as friendly as those in a wealthier neighborhood. My Accord chauffeurs them to school just as easily as a Land Rover would. I suspect most successful people see themselves similarly- that they’ve accomplished so much but could do more. The idea that you can always work harder, provide a better life for your family, take on a bigger role at work is ever present. Having appreciation for what’s going right in life is a conscientious action we have to remind ourselves to do.
So today, 39 days until I turn 40 I have a lot of the good stuff going on. I watched my son score his first goal in soccer this weekend. He turns 7 on Wednesday. My 4 year old daughter loves princesses, gymnastics and being a 4 year old girl. My wife and I still look at each other the way we did 16 years ago when we met. I could visit my mother and grandmother right now if I wanted to. You can be stressed that time is moving too quickly- and that’s probably the core of what I’m ultimately feeling. But you can’t make time slow down. You get a finite number of days on earth, only a certain number of days to spend with loved ones, and you have to be in the moment. You can’t sacrifice the present in hopes of adding a bonus period.
I’m catching feelings I guess because that’s what happens when you get older, but hitting 40 is really more like finishing another lap around the track. You check your time, compare it to other laps you’ve run, and keep running. That’s the reality of life. Nobody’s waiting to high five you when you hit a milestone. The only reward is getting to live more, which is a pretty sweet gift I think.
I appreciate the fact that my biggest worries in life have to do with attaining bigger, nicer versions of things I already have. That’s a first world luxury. Sayings that I might hear after laying this out are “it could always be worse” and “any day you can get out of bed and put your feet on the ground is a good day” are all true- in fact I wake up every morning and recite these things to myself before I get out of bed. It’s work to just appreciate being alive. Life is pretty good, but it’s easy to get wrapped up in the minor stuff and lose perspective. It takes work to remain thankful. But this is (almost) 40 and that’s what it takes.
Ben Arnold is a consumer technology analyst and researcher. He’s turning 40, so please be delicate. Follow him at @Techbarnold
