December 25, 2021 ~ For James S.
I woke up feeling melancholy. When you were alive, you said to not mourn you, but I still do. It’s true what they say about “not a day goes by…” that I don’t think of you. Every year Christmas rolls around, it’s not Jesus’s birthday, it’s your day. While we had a tumultuous relationship, I still and will always love you. Mom wished you a happy birthday when we had grace before our Christmas meal today and I was glad that she did that.
Dad, I’ve been hurting. I’ve been in a lot of pain in the past few months. I’m more anxious. I have episodes of depression I’ve been hiding from mom. I mean, if she reads this letter to you, it won’t be such a secret. I know she knows that I’m in a lot of pain. Intellectually and emotionally (and it’s all manifesting in chronic pain in my body). Kiara is a massage therapist amongst many other things and she gave me a massage when we were at her and Leo’s place. They bought a home in Antioch. It’s a really lovely place with a good spirit to it. I feel comfortable going there and spending time with them. Anyway, Kiara said that she could feel that there are things wrong with me. It’s true. In the past few weeks, I’ve experienced increased dizzy spells and just not having much of an appetite. I’m constantly thinking about all the things I haven’t done as opposed to all the things I have done. My “successes” and “accomplishments” at this time in our culture and society, well, they don’t feel like things to celebrate.
I wonder, sometimes, what exactly is happening inside my body. I hate to say this but I do feel sick inside (weak and fatigued). I used to be strong and have an athlete’s body (when I was skating), but even then, I was miserable. I’ve been thinking of going on meds, but my therapist says I don’t need them. But lately, I’ve been feeling a deep sadness and ache. I try so hard to find joy. I take breaks from work. I give myself a lot of grace and understanding. Yet there is a cloud I feel over my head on most days. It’s not that I always want or need to be happy. It’s not that. I’m not about what the kids call “posi-vibes only,” but I wish my heart didn’t feel like it was always breaking.
After you died, I felt like a completely different person. While I felt more like myself, I felt far more existential dread and a desire to do things differently in my life. I originally got into grad school to be a therapist, but changed my mind. I decided to get a bunch of tattoos. I came out to mom (even though she said she knew I was queer since I was a kid, yeah, that surprised me too). I went off to grad school (twice!) and I left my cushy biotech job. Since you’ve been gone, I realized that everything I was seeking in relationships was me trying to get someone to validate and legitimize me. You’ll be happy to know that I stopped wanting that because I finally started relying on myself for care, love, and acknowledgement. Where every you are in the world, universe, galaxies (near or far), I hope you’re proud. I hope you find your way into my subconscious and visit me from time to time. I could really use that protective spirit of yours, your love of music, singing, and long walks to help me get through. I need that more than ever before. Help me, please. I don’t want to die prematurely because I’ve neglected what I need. I know Mom wants me to live a long time. I do too. Happy birthday, Dad. I love you and I’m looking forward to *seeing* you some day in the far future.
On the digital thread of the time-space continuum, here is a post from December 25, 2011.
