December 30, 2021 ~ For John
I’m glad I had the opportunity to speak with you today. It’s been quite a relaxing day despite discussing some really difficult things with you during our session. I never know where to start, but just go with what’s on my mind and it usually all works itself out as I’m speaking. Some days, I feel like I know what I’m talking about. Other days, I feel so incredibly fragmented. Thanks for letting me read what I texted my mom last night. It’s been quite the journey and I’ve still got a few more decades in me left so I’m not giving up so easily. That’s something I didn’t discuss with you today, actually. Some of the more self-destructive thoughts I have due to my severe anxiety and depression. For the most part, I feel it’s a lot more of the anxiety that has been getting to me as of late.
I’ve been trying to do different things to make certain I get outside of my head. I started playing video games again to make certain I’m doing something fun because I’m always reading and thinking of something. I’m glad I had the past couple of weeks to myself and it’s been nice to rest. In the new year, I’m going to have to kick things back into high gear for work and school. While I don’t want to think about this time next year, I am because I have a goal of being done in normative time and I really just want to finish and be done with the things I’ve been planning. I will definitely be better at saying no. Yet another thing we didn’t get a chance to discuss. I’m trying my best to acknowledge that I haven’t been the best to saying no for my own good! But I’ve been taking breaks and doing a better job at gauging what I’m able to handle in a single day and within a week. I’m slowly, but surely, creating rituals for myself. The past month, I did another japa meditation with my meditation teacher and it’s helped ground my day.
But I’m still struggling with an evening routine and I really need to have that down in the new year just so I can get rest and do what I need to do. I’m nervous and anxious about the new year. There are so many unknowns and so many things I feel that I don’t have a good bearing on (yet another thing I feel I need to discuss with you). How on earth do I get better at respecting my own boundaries and capacity. You were right that I don’t do that for myself enough. In any case, I should get going. I can’t believe I’m only writing you now. I thought I would have written you earlier in the year. Then again, I re-started our sessions more regularly because of all of the things going on with me and my body. It’s all come to a point that I feel I can’t handle without help. I’m also trying to be better at sitting with my feelings these days and allowing them to teach or remind me of the things I need to know to get by, to survive, and maybe even thrive. Thanks again for all that you do and the ways you’ve seen me grow and evolve over the years. ♥️
On the digital thread of the time-space continuum, here is a post from December 30, 2011.
