I Almost Died During Childbirth. I’m Not Alone.
Maternal mortality is rising in America, and that doesn’t even include cases like mine.
By Rachel Stuhler
In the days after the birth of my second child, anxiety took over my mind and nightmares consumed my sleep. As soon as I’d drift off, I’d remember the nurses crowding around me, speaking rapidly, but I couldn’t understand their words. I’d remember picturing my 3-year-old son’s eyes — bright and expressive and the clearest blue I’ve ever seen. I hadn’t gotten to say goodbye to him before coming to the hospital, and in that moment, I was sure I never would. I would die right there in the labor and delivery ward, and leave him and my new infant son without a mother.
When I’d awake in the dark, I’d panic, thinking I’d been taken back to the hospital. I would freeze, convinced my hands were covered in IVs and moving would tear them out. I was afraid to tell anyone what was happening, lest they think I was crazy. I knew many young mothers and no one talked about this kind of trauma. Had my mind been damaged by the delivery? I’d never felt so scared and alone.
