Nov 12, 2019
3 Lessons to turn grief into fuel.
We don’t talk about death much in our society, but it is all around us. It is time that we face and honor the dead by moving forward. We mourn their loss and use it to keep going.
After my brother tragically died in a car crash, my family and I grieved. It was sudden, without warning, and he was only 34. Years removed from it, it still stings. I share my story so you can learn to let it fuel and push you.
- Learn to be okay with all your emotions
- Find things that would make them proud
- Focus your energy on it
As my only sibling, there was a giant hole. I could either let it fill me with anger and bitterness, or hope and fuel.
My wife is my pillar. Without her, I don’t know how I would have functioned during that first month.
The Worst Night Of My Life
I vividly remember the night I found out: the weather, what I was doing, and the tone of my grandfathers’ voice. I’ll never forget it. He grievously moaned,
“Something’s happened, go to your moms. Hurry!”
It was so vague and confusing, but my wife and I dropped everything and started driving.
During the drive, we both tried to figure out what was going on. It wasn’t clear. My grandfather never said it definitively. Both worrying, hoping. What’s going on?
Upon arriving, the sound of her wailing confirmed the harsh reality. Branden was gone.
As my wife and I sat on the floor in my mom’s apartment and the disbelief waned, I had to act, move, and do.
From then on, we were trying to figure out what happened and how it happened.
Otherwise, the entire family would be stuck mourning with no answers.
I placed too many calls that night between multiple calls with the detective and the medical examiner. Later on, all the calls to extended family words were just stumbling out about the terrible news and asking if they could make a few calls.
Trying to Fill in the Gaps
What were the details?
Where was he going?
What was he doing?
Who’s at fault?
Was he wearing his seatbelt? (He never liked wearing his seatbelt.)
His stuff. Oh, his stuff. When can we get it stuff?
Where do we go to get it?
Something that should never happen
I had to call my dad and tell him. That sucked. For me, life has never been fair, it didn’t work out in the proper order.
Hey dad, I know it’s late.
I’ve got some terrible news. Are you sitting down? Is Colleen around?
There’s no easy way to say this.
Branden died in a head-on collision on a two-lane road.
…dad reply’s…
I found out at 10pm, but it happened around 2 in the afternoon.
An officer came to mom’s house, she didn’t get the door. She thought she was in trouble.
Here’s what I know so far. I’ve been piecing it together. Still trying to wrap my head around this.
Eyewitnesses said they saw him reach in the floorboard or appeared to be fidgeting with something. It’s likely that he didn’t know, and he didn’t suffer.
Don’t know the cause of death yet. Waiting to hear back from the medical examiner. They will see him tomorrow.
…dad reply’s…
The funeral preparations. Yeah, we got the plot sorted out.
All the decisions needed to be made. They were getting made, until…
Another Crap Day
Prior to the funeral as we’re trying to figure out the tombstone.
My mom was selfish, she got drunk and decided to act out. Her idiotic and irrational behavior turned into anger and started taking it out on everyone.
“His tombstone will be R. Branden Dykes!”
It wasn’t up for debate.
She yelled at her mother.
Got in her face, pushed her even.
I snapped. I yelled at her for pushing my grandmother.
I got in her face. It was pathetic, and I hate how I reacted.
But what an utterly disrespectful way to honor your son — our last moments of seeing him before the casket closes, ruined. It shouldn’t have been like this.
Man, that was a crap day.
Lessons on Dealing with Grief
After a few weeks passed, I returned to work. I tried to regain my pre-loss focus, but nothing worked until I started doing the following things.
Lesson One
I learned to allow myself to be okay with feeling my emotions as they came and went. To let it come in waves, things that reminded me of my brother, and memories of our time together — sometimes crying, sometimes laughing, thinking about his jokes. He was always pulling faces, making jokes, and trying to make others laugh.
After a few months, it came to a point where I had to stop feeling all the emotions, and I started asking, what would he want me to do? How would he act in this situation? How can I be a better version of myself for him?
While working through your emotions is good. For me, I could easily get caught in the self-pity loop, and that’s not beneficial. I longed to show him that I loved him and to make use of my time here.
Lesson Two
By connecting to a why I could more readily engage the work I was doing for him and on his behalf. I wanted to make him proud. It gave more meaning and value to the work I was doing. His why caused a pretty significant shift and a turning point for me over the last couple of years now. I left a job, gained a significant amount of personal time back, challenged how I thought of myself, who I wanted to be, and currently trying to consider others over myself.
Lesson Three
Emotions are a powerful force. They can help guide and direct you as well as bring you low. Associating with hope and a deep meaning allows you to consider a path forward. It is about looking ahead and saying, “this is for you.” Use your emotions to connect with your loved ones that have passed away, let them speak encouragement, grace, and hope to you. Talk to them. Then focus your energy on accomplishing goals that would make your family members proud.
Understanding Pain and Dealing It Makes you Stronger
Know that you aren’t alone in your grief; a great many people have lost loved ones. It is okay to be hurt and still hurt, but don’t let it stop you.
Take all the time you need to process but always choose hope and fuel. There are enough bitterness and hatred in the world, be the change.
