Member-only story
My Psychosis, and Julien Baker’s ‘Little Oblivions’
How Julien Baker killed me and brought me back to life
Trigger warning: this review contains mentions of self harm and suicide.
It was the middle of the night– at least 2am, possibly later. I was wandering the streets around my parents house, taking in the cold and empty night. My parents live far from the city in a neighborhood where the houses are far apart, lending itself to quiet and lonely night walks. I’m not sure if my parents knew I was out. To this day, I suspect my mother knew I liked to walk around late at night, but kept quiet for her own reasons. I wore my headphones, blasting music loud enough to shake my teeth.
I didn’t know it then, but I was in the throes of psychosis. Years later, I would be diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and put on a series of psychiatric medications that eventually allowed me to live a fulfilling and happy life. For now, though, I was spending my nights wandering around aimlessly in the dark, listening to music that I hoped would save me.
None of the music I used to love and cherish did the trick for me, any more. Nostalgic favorites like Taylor Swift fell flat, and high school obsessions like Destroy Boys and Nirvana felt different, now. Those songs were a lifetime away, out of my grasp now. I…
