Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 — Reviewing the IMDb Bottom 10
Bob Clark’s 2004 children’s film is monumentally terrible.
Bad films made for children can be particularly grueling, and Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 is a miserable wasteland of a film, one that will make you question why you chose to watch it, and hate yourself for doing so.
The heroes are a quartet of super-intelligent toddlers who communicate to each other by mumbling whatever sounds the director can manage to have them mouth before they are dubbed over. When that doesn't work, they just animate their mouths the way Esurance did back in the day.
The band of tots are led by Kahuna, a man in his 70s who halted the aging process when he was a toddler by accidentally ingesting an experimental serum concocted by his father. He spent the '60s rescuing English-speaking children with North American accents from East Germany. Yes, this film for pre-schoolers involves the Berlin Wall, and the villain is two-time Oscar-winner Jon Voight, dressed in SS garb and speaking with a ridiculous accent. His character is the only one who even attempts a German accent.
In the opening, we see Kahuna fight off Voight’s henchmen with some of the most awkward stuntwork and wire-fu you’ll ever see. To give you an idea of the writing here, Kahuna tells Voight to, "Duck", in order to avoid an oncoming vehicle, with wheels on the ground. Duck. Not, "Look out", or, "Behind you". Duck.
Voight’s name in the film is Kane. He disappears after the '60s before re-emerging in the present under the name Biscane. He wants to start a new television network to brainwash the children. Think Tomorrow Never Dies but much worse.
The film also features Scott Baio, so that makes two cast members in this film who would go on to speak at the Republican National Convention.
Also among the cast is Justin Chatwin, best known for playing the white American Goku in Dragonball Evolution, #14 on the IMDb Bottom 100. In Superbabies, Chatwin falls in love with Skyler Shaye, making her big screen debut. On film, she’s best known for playing Cloe in the 2007 Bratz movie, #66 on the Bottom 100. She is Jon Voight’s god-daughter. She gives maybe the worst performance I’ve seen in a mainstream film.
Kahuna recruits the four Superbabies and takes them to his underground lair where they get to speak with phoned-in celebrity cameos, like Whoopi Goldberg, and some boy band I can't be bothered to know.
Kahuna places the babies in a machine which endows them with superpowers. One is given super-strength and can fly, and another is given super-intelligence. Aren't they all supposed to be super-smart? I guess this one was made super-duper-smart. I'm not sure what exactly he accomplished by the end. Another one of the babies is dressed in a big bouncy ball, so he can ricochet over the walls and knock people over. And of course, the girl is given the power of love.
The film was made in Canada by director Bob Clark in 2004. Clark previously made A Christmas Story, Porky’s, and Black Christmas. The man had range. He also directed the first Baby Geniuses in 1999, which some have argued to be even worse. I guess I’ll have to see someday. The only connection this film has with the first is Scott Baio having an unexplained connection with Peter MacNicol’s character from the first, holding up a framed picture of him at one point.
It seems that Clark just wanted to make a cute film for the kids, and paid little regard to acting, fight choreography, ADR, visual effects, or any semblance of quality control, as long as the kids were entertained. It's mostly a harmless film (aside from that iffy Berlin Wall fiasco), but it is monumentally terrible, and children deserve more stimulating art.
Out of all the films on the IMDb Bottom 10, this is the one that isn't available on any streaming services in the United States. I couldn't even find it on ok.ru without any vile Russian dubwork, and I can usually count on that site. It seems that humanity would rather forget that we allowed Baby Geniuses 2 to happen. But as long as there are still people around to subject themselves to this torture and express their disgust for it online, we will never let the world forget.
