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You have reached the Universal Department of Life Passions and Callings.
Hello? Can you hear me? Oh it’s great to connect! Yes — it is my first day on the job! I have a brand new client here, four years old. She likes trees, pretty flying things, and saying big words. A “lepidopterist”? Yes, I think that could work! Just to clarify — a lepidopterist is a scientist who studies butterflies, right? Excellent — many thanks, I’ll let her know that her Life’s Calling is all sorted.
Hello. Me again. The lepidopterist thing seemed to be working out fine, but my client was wondering if you have anything available involving fluffy animals or horses? A veterinarian! Of course, why didn’t I think of that! Do you have to be good at maths to be a veterinarian? Oh no reason, she’s just wondering. She seems to find maths a little bit harder than sitting down and writing an entire story about mermaid twin sisters who are sold into servitude. What type of servitude, you ask? The usual kind. Sweeping. Doing dishes. Are any of her stories about animals? No. I don’t think so.
Hi there! Long time no chat! I wanted to check in because this new film has come out about a really pretty and surprisingly smart woman who goes to Harvard to study law to win back her ex-boyfriend but then she discovers that her Life’s Calling is saving people unjustly convicted of serious crimes.
Also she realizes that her ex is a doofus.
How difficult would it be to switch my client’s calling from “veterinarian” to “lawyer”?
Attention! Requesting Urgent Update to Life Calling:
- From: “Lawyer”
- To: “ Doctor”
- Reason: Grey’s Anatomy (client insists that the appeal of pursuing a career in medicine is independent of drama and romance portrayed in said TV show, however honesty of client with regards to this matter is in doubt).
Hi there! Quick question — to get into med school, you do need to be good at maths, yeah?
Dear Universal Department of Life Passions and Callings, I just thought I’d share with you that my client is enrolled in a bachelor’s degree of International Studies and is happily headed off into the sunset of professional satisfaction as an international development program officer, research analyst, policy drafter, or secretary of something at the United Nations. Many thanks for your enduring patience over the years.
P.S — what is your position on postgraduate law degrees?
P.P.S — I wasn’t going to mention it, but my client did receive an unusual phone call from the Australian Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade. It was a sweet-voiced woman who called, and she asked my client if she would maybe be interested in applying for a career with the Australian Secret Intelligence Service. As you may be aware, my client has actually already arranged to leave Australia for the foreseeable future, however I was wondering if you could reserve “Spy” as a calling to which she could return at a more convenient time?
Hello again. I do hate to bother you — but are you aware that actual paying jobs in the field of international development are almost entirely fictional? And the average age of interns at the United Nations appears to be 52. My client was under the impression that her Life’s Calling would at the very least push her above the poverty line.
What’s that? No. My client does not have a certificate in first aid.
No — she does not have a driver’s license.
My client regrets to inform you that she has absolutely no skills that may be useful to impoverished communities or countries recently experiencing political and/or environmental disaster.
Why is the race and sexual orientation of my client relevant information?
Oh. I see. Yes of course, the legacy of neocolonialism is very unfortunate and my client has no desire to perpetuate regimes of economic and cultural hegemony under the guise of “doing good”.
She is white. And straight.
To whom it my concern — my client of 24 years has been a faithful supporter of this department’s work. Lately, however, she has had the unfortunate experience of her dreams, assumptions, and expensive degrees leading to a distinct lack of an emotionally enriching career, which she can also wholeheartedly justify as Meaningful To The Universe. She notes that while her requests have been reasonable (ie wealth or fame, not necessarily both), the department has consistently failed to provide. In particular, the department failed to draw her attention to the fact that some form of technical aptitude is required to support oneself outside of academia, where the ability to write very convincing essays about gift economies and sustainable development is less highly valued.
She has therefore decided to take a leave of absence from this department.
If you would like to contact her again, she can be found getting shit faced at a London pub with her new colleagues from a cyber security start-up.
Dear Universal Department of Life Passions and Callings, thank you for your recent message. My client has considered your offer and she is excited to accept the calling of “New Media Entrepreneur”. Her experiences over recent years have suggested to her that technical things may not, in fact, be outside her purview. She is excited to embrace this opportunity to partner with two undeniably talented artistic professionals and capitalise on her new found technical confidence. She expects that her niche in this new partnership will be as the person who can actually define neoliberalism, rather than just making strange art that apparently “engages neoliberalism in a structural dialectic”. Also — she is in charge of writing things.
Quick question — lots of new partnerships go through rough patches, right?
Quick update — there’s only two of them in the partnership now. And so far, my client’s ability to define neoliberalism has not been called upon.
Just to note — people actually pay my client to film and edit things for them now. So that’s something.
Hi there, I have a question: how exactly do you go about making a TV show?
Attention! Department! My client is moving to Los Angeles! I’ve heard that you have a significantly sized branch out that way, so I’ll be in touch directly.
Hey — anyone there? I’ve been trying to reach you for a while. My client keeps getting redirected to strange events that are apparently ‘networking’ but seem more of an excuse for middle-aged entertainment guys to get the numbers of LA newbies. She is enjoying the free wine but just wanted to check that this was where her Life Calling can actually be found?
Dear friends — I hope you are keeping safe and well during this unprecedented time. I am reaching out to enquire about your current operating hours. Are you working remotely?
Forwarding this again — I expect you’ve got a lot going on right now, but it would be great to hear back from you when you can.
Hello?
Anyone there?
The calling you are calling for is currently unavailable.
Dear Bethany, it is with mixed feelings that I sit down to inform you today of my imminent resignation. The world is in crisis. The current highlight of your day is running up and down the sun-warmed steps of the local library. The festivals where you planned to pitch your TV show have either been cancelled or gone online. I also know, however, that you are taking comfort from this suspension of reality because it seems to give you more time to grab a-hold of your Calling.
I know that you always assumed that your Calling existed. And I’m not saying it doesn’t — just that I am no longer best placed to identify it for you.
At times I have near withered under the intensity of your demands. But I think you’re beginning to learn to live your life not as some grand autobiographical narrative — but a string of mundane, beautiful, challenging days. You are learning to take pride in any job well done. And you are beginning to get the inkling that Life Callings are better defined not as as a what — but as a who.
So I wish you all the best in your future endeavors. If you do ever Achieve Anything one day — rest assured that I’ll be cheering from the sidelines. But until then — just enjoy. And be kind. And do the best possible job. On most days, that is enough.
Yours Sincerely — Your Calling Fairy
P.S — Maybe you should write things?
