The Family That Toxicity Broke
“What can you do? They’re your family!.” “Every family has problems, but blood is thicker than water.” “You need to just accept them the way they are, they’re your family.” “You have to love them through thick and thin, it’s what families do!”
WRONG! You actually don’t!
You don’t have to accept them. You don’t have to accept their problems. And you most certainly do not have to accept their behaviors, especially if they are not accepting of you, or are disrespecting you or your boundaries.
The saying blood is thicker than water- is a saying that has been taken so far out of context that it has come to mean the exact opposite of its original intent. And it has caused more emotional turmoil than maybe any other saying.
It’s a saying that has caused many people to believe that there’s no end to the hurt they are in. That they must endure the pain put upon them simply because they share a genetic link to someone.
It just simply isn’t true. It’s one of countless lies thrust upon victims to manipulate compliance through guilt, and an obligation of duty.
Not only does this mentality cause emotional pain, but also causes some to resort to more drastic measures. Self-harm and suicide begin to look more appealing when you feel like there’s no end to the pain you’re currently enduring,
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When my siblings and I made the decision to cut certain family out of our lives we heard endless feedback from others. “If it wasn’t for them you wouldn’t even be here!”, well if that is the logic we’re following here then — You’re right we wouldn’t be here, but we also never asked to be here so… do with that what you will.
After a while we gave up, we were never going to convince them to see it from our point of view. And we came to accept that… Eventually! We realized those who told us we needed to stay in contact with our toxic family members had to go from our lives too. They might not have physically hurt us themselves. But their complacency and the guilt they used to try to hold us in a place that caused pain and harm was as abusive as the family who did the actual harm.
As a mother now, I am very aware of my actions. Obviously, I don’t use physical punishments, but I also am very aware that the scars that are most prevalent in me aren’t the ones I received from the physical abuse. It’s the emotional, and mental scars that are my burden to carry through life now. Those are the scars that I still have to tend to and address on a daily basis. Those scars are the ones that never heal quite properly.
In an effort to stop the cycle with me, I purposely go out of my way to ask my children where their boundaries are. No, I don’t use those exact words, but I ask for input, and yes, permission on things that directly involve them.
Small things like posting their pictures on Instagram are run by them first. Asking them if it’s cool to snuggle with them when we watch TV. I even ask them if I have done anything to upset them, and if I have I apologize.
More importantly, when I apologize I don’t make any excuse for my actions.
I never want my children to have to face the decision of whether I need to be cut out of their life for their own mental well-being. So, I take extra care in being a Mom they will want to share their lives with in the future.
This doesn’t mean they have run of the house, or that they can do whatever they want. They get punished when they need to be and yes, they get mad when I punish them. But there’s a small part of me that smiles every time they sass me. A part of me that cries in happiness that they aren’t scared that I will hurt them, or leave them. That they feel confident enough in my presence to just be a kid and act out a bit.
Most of my children’s family are people they share no DNA with. They have grown up with aunts, uncles and cousins that have no familial obligation to be there in their lives. They are there because they love my kids and see them as family as well.
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It’s so important that going forward we teach our children that the family you choose is more important than the family you were born into. If the family you’re born into treats you well then you can make the choice to keep them, but if they treat you in a way that makes you feel less or question your worth in the world, then there’s no obligation to stay connected with those people. Even if they made you!
You are not beholden to another person just because they had a part in your conception or birth. The idea that they are entitled to limitless respect for creating you, while you are expected to shoulder limitless disrespect simply because they created you is an abusive one.
Once my siblings and I removed the toxic family from our lives a weight lifted, it removed the ugliness that seemed to always surround us, and something beautiful grew in its place. We grew an appreciation and love for the family we kept in our lives in a way we never had before. We saw each other without the toxic haze that always seemed to surround us, clouding our vision of each other.
Today, we are stronger — both individually, and together as a family unit.
So, in case you need to actually hear someone say it out loud, I’ll say it — It’s OK to cut people off. It’s OK to choose you and your well-being over their ego, and over their familial relation to you. You are and always have been enough, their sickness is not yours to heal, nor is it yours to take the brunt of. Be happy and whole, and if they are stopping you from becoming “the you” that you want to be, then move forward without them.
Much love,
XX
