The Universal Sign of Insecure Men: The Last Word
Hush.
It’s a sensitive subject: insecurity. It makes us wince for many reasons: insecurity stems from a deep personal inadequacy, only the insecure person can fix themselves, and it’s obnoxious for an outsider to comment on someone else’s likely psychological turmoil.
But what is life without an obnoxious commentator (me)?
We all have our demons, it’s part of what defines us as humans. But as the Libertarian Americans aptly preach, we are entitled to do our own thing, until it causes harm or infringes upon someone else’s ability to live their life. Yes, this loose summary of a political ideology refers to lawmaking and individual liberties and the complex intersection of the two. But it also applies to my audacity to comment on insecure men. Why? I now know the cardinal signs of the wounded male ego because it has effected my own life, and my own daily functioning. So, maybe this is my business.
Whether we like it or not, there are inherent differences (to be celebrated) of the male and female forms. Yes, gender is a spectrum, but there is complement of the two gender endpoints to acknowledge. Whether we label the dichotomy as male/female energy or yin and yang or comment on the polarity of the sexes, there is a duality at play.
Historically, men make the rules and women are defined by those rules in terms of their role in life, or what is beauty, or what they can strive for. Luckily for me, the tides have changed before I was born, and most of us roll our eyes at the discussion of gender as an issue anymore (is it?). Nonetheless, the centuries old stereotypes that have lingered culturally still shadow our days, and likely our mindsets.
Surgery is a man’s world, and I think that’s why I like it. It’s run by efficiency, decision-making, blatancy, and movement, which is the exact opposite of my natural state of being. Surgery (culturally) is therefore a challenge to me, and has the lovely effect of breaking me out of my intuitive garble, my narrative of doubt and worry, and my innate hesitancies. I can already tell you my problems at work: double-checking what is already resolved, lingering on the emotional aspects that hinder efficiency, taking things “too personally,” and becoming psychologically drained when I don’t need to be. But all of those qualities only ruin my own mindset, not patient care or the functionality of a team.
Now enters a character I see sometimes: he is interrupting everyone that is reporting relevant information to him (and we have this information ready because he asked for it). He is actually and unbelievably not listening to words being spoken directly to him. And when the conversation concludes, he says something that has already been exactly said, like it was his own conclusion. I thought he was an anomaly.
But then I met another one, this time he is a junior to me at work. He is more frantic, disorganized, and anxious. It could be endearing from afar but it’s irritating up close. I don’t understand him, but we have to co-exist. And as we leave a patient room, or walk away from a pod of nurses, he turns back to them and says exactly what I just said, verbatim, as though my words were only heard by him and now he has the urgent duty to share my silent information with everyone else.
And then the next one. We are on a date at a coffee shop, and the barista hands him a lid without a hole to drink from, a manufacturing error of this singular plastic lid. I catch her eyes and ask for a new lid, she smiles as she hands it to me. He secures the lid, and storms out of the coffee shop and later tells me it was “his job” to ask her for a lid, not mine. I just happened to catch her eye before he did, but I apparently overstepped.
And then the next one was again found in the hospital, an older man that “worked here for 15 years” (he told me this three times in one conversation). After I told the patient their surgical plan, this man (who is not a surgeon) repeated to the patient the plan I had just shared. It was as though I never said a word.
Insecurity comes in many forms. But there is something unfortunately reliable about a man going back to the person I was just speaking to, and repeating my words again to them. A few times, in more casual settings not directly in front of patients, a colleague will say, “Dude, she literally just said that.” But other times I just see the patients make a confused face as they watch someone tell them information for a second time, like the first time didn’t happen just a moment ago.
I don’t know what to do with this information, only that it seems to be a reliable predictor of men with issues. It’s like the knowledge I have about insecure women: they dole out cloaked “compliments” and thrive in passive aggressive environments, and when asked what the issue is, they say straight to your face “I’m fine.” We all know about that archetype, and I think we just avoid these terrible interactions or grimace when we need to have them.
But having someone discount your own words, in a professional setting, is not acceptable because it degrades my standing and credibility. It’s also just plain annoying. Since it gets in the way of work, I had to think about it, observe it enough times to see it as fact, and think about what to do.
When our insecurities consume us in our own heads, we hurt ourselves. Sometimes we lash out to the ones we love, or at least make the people that care about us feel concerned. We eat too much, or sleep too much, or waste time, or cry in the shower a little too often. But what if your shortcoming became someone else’s issue they have to carry, negotiate, and manage with you? This makes sense in a mutual relationship like a marriage or a friendship. But this doesn’t make sense at work.
So, to the men that insist on spouting out the last word even after the senior doctor has left the room, think about this odd behavior you have. You might need to take a moment to figure out why you have this irritating desire. Fumble around in your own thoughts about this injustice that only you seem to feel, and figure out how to quietly fix this. I appreciate you, as a human, because of basic mutual respect. But I’m not your mother, or your therapist, and I’m removing myself from the female sensitive/maternal archetype that holds your hand while you slowly uncover whatever issue you have thats getting in the way of our work. In the same way women “can’t cry at work” and have to find emotionally neutral ways to cope, you can’t cut people off and override conversations. Find another way to cope.
I get it, I’m not being nice. I know insecurities are sad things, and big things, and they leak out of us and sometimes contaminate the world around us. But I am not being mean. I’m asking people to manage their manifesting psychological issue not at work and not at my expense. In return, I’ll make the same effort. But first, and more simply, I ask that people recognize their insecurity, something these guys look to be far from doing. So men out there, if you fight for the last word, even when you look like a disengaged deaf robot, stop doing that. Something else is going on under there. I know you worked here for 15 years, or that you are capable of asking for your own coffee lid, or how in medical school you were really good at this one procedure you needed help with yesterday. That’s okay, it honestly doesn’t matter to me that much. But it matters to you. So find a therapist, or a journal, or call me up after work and we can have a normal conversation. And when I say my piece, let me have it, and don’t turn around after we part ways and say it right back to me. Just let it be.
