Dinner with a Ukrainian Refugee
The Heartbreak and Humanity of Ukrainians
My editor suggested an interview with Ukrainian refugees, and made contact with them so that we could set up an interview. We finally settled on dinner at my place where we could have a quiet conversation. There would be three of them; two adults and a child. My editor was unable to join us, but gave me advice on ways to make them feel at home. I made a simple dish with kielbasa and had homemade cookies for the child. My editor suggested a small toy for the child, so under the cookie plate I tucked paper airplane and a shadow art kits.
The child, “Ivan,” is five years old and was too shy to eat the cookies, but I had also put a plastic bag underneath so he could take them home. “Lana” the aunt and interpreter, assured me that the cookies would be eaten in the car on the way home.
Escaping Mariupol
“Nick,” his wife and three children were one of five families who fled Mariupol after six days of shelling, arriving here in Portland in April. Mariupol was already surrounded by then, and there were mines. Many people were afraid to leave, or didn’t have the resources. But he had a car and relatives here. The decision to leave came after the realization that he didn’t want to see his children die of dehydration or starvation. He was told to follow tire tracks and that is how they avoided land mines. The burned out wreckage of vehicles littered the way. He also knew that if you sped through the city, they would shoot you.
Not Being Pro-Russian is a Death Sentence
He had another reason to leave. Anyone who was not pro-Russian or who had family or friends in the US was tortured and/or murdered.
A Very Long and Arduous Journey
They fled to Romania, then through Austria, Hungary, Germany, and Spain. His family here gave them the money to fly to Mexico from Spain where they presented themselves for asylum. They were allowed entrance for a one year to find a sponsor and apply for asylum.
Border Closes as Unite for Ukraine Is Enacted
Days later the border was closed as the Unite for Ukraine law was passed. Had they arrived later, they would have had two years to find a sponsor and apply for asylum. Asylum seakers are not given visas or social security cards so they cannot legally work. The five families found places through family connections and people on Next Door who came forward. One person offered a house they used for exchange students that was empty due to COVID.
What Was Lost
Nick is no stranger to loss being unable to work for several years after back surgery. He had emigrated to the US with his sister in 2002, but on a return trip to Ukraine, he met his future wife and stayed. They built a life together. He as the stay-at-home dad; she as the owner/proprietor of two businesses. Nick enjoyed his domestic life. He built the house they lived in and never envisioned leaving his labor of love to anyone but his descendants.
A Common but Tragic Ukrainian Prewar View of Russia
In fact, he didn’t think that the war was going to happen. Though Russia TV and radio are blocked in Ukraine, he knew that Putin frequently says “he will make the stand that he will always protect the Russian people.” And because Mariupol was a largely Russian immigrant area, they all assumed he would never attack.
“People put kids on both sides of the theater (that was shelled) and in front of their houses with the word kids painted in Russian on their roofs thinking that it would protect them from being shelled. Many had relatives in Russia.” (This might be one reason why they so easily believed the Russian propaganda that it was the Ukrainian military doing the shelling. They also couldn’t tell where the shells or bombs where coming from.)
Nick pointed out that only the 3–5 percent of the majority Russian immigrants in Mariupol supported Russia before the invasion and these were the elderly who remembered free food in the USSR times. Russian was the language used in all schools. Ukrainian was thought to be an inferior language, though they speak Russian differently enough that Russians can spot Ukrainians. But now it is impossible to know how many people actually support the invasion because anyone who does not will be tortured and/or killed.
The War Begins
His sister had called to ask how he was doing when she heard that the war had started but he felt she was overstating the war in the Dombas. But then one day “the house jumped.” He was used to the vibrations from the civil war in nearby Donetsk (the largest city in the Dombas region, which has been fighting against proRussian separatists since 2014), but this was different.
Yet, he is one of the lucky ones. He had a basement where they could hide from the shelling and a car, though he had to lie and say he was helping (with ambulances or the police) in order to get enough gas in his tank and a can to reach Germany. Cars are not as common in Ukraine as here.
While six days of war may not seem like a long time, it was enough to see bodies buried in backyards and behind the salons with ferrel dogs running around…. He stopped there, not wanting to traumatize me (especially, perhaps, with his son moving in and out of the room we were in.) It was hell. I pointed out that the Russians had had practice in Syria, and he acknowledged Ukrainians aren’t the only ones experiencing hell.
When I asked him how he protected the children from the war, he told me he kept the children inside, said a prayer and hoped for the best. “You only die once.”
Russian, American and Ukrainian War Rationales
There are still about 100,000 people in Mariupol without water or electricity but there are vans rooming the city with large screen TVs declaring that the Russians are there to protect the Ukrainians. Putin has said the invasion was to protect Ukrainians from fascists (there are ultra nationalist in Ukraine, but the current president is Jewish with relatives killed by the Nazis), prevent unsubstantiated genocide in the Donbas region, and demilitarize Ukraine so that it cannot become a member of NATO. There have also been unsubstantiated claims of bio-weapon labs in Ukraine that Putin wanted to destroy. Much of the early efforts at pre-invasion diplomacy centered around promises that Ukraine would never join the EU or NATO.
When Nick asked me what I thought was behind the war, I said that Putin wanted to re-establish the USSR and keep Ukraine out of NATO and the EU. He agreed with me. When someone else in my house said that the war was the fault of the US because we wanted Ukraine to join NATO, I got incensed. Nick said that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but “you can’t act on them to cause others harm and then blame someone else…. If every person attacks someone because they think that someone is going to do something, then the world will collapse.”
Lana (Nick understands more than he speaks after returning to Ukraine) added that she thinks that Putin, aware that his life is coming to an end, “wants the Russian people to remember him as strong and powerful, and what better way to do that than to take from the weak.” Since “a lot of Slavic people see Russia as the big brother and Ukraine as the little brother, (they see) his actions like a bully.”
Nick has noticed Russian propaganda here as well. When he tells his experiences to some people they will say that is not what is happening. There are two Russian stations here in Portland and the Russian community is busy trying to justify Putin’s actions (along with conspiracy theorists and many conservatives, I might add. Was it as recent as six years ago that Russia was the enemy?)
No History of Speaking Truth to Power
Russians and Ukrainians do not live in an atmosphere of speaking truth to power. You don’t tell your boss the truth, especially if they are rich and powerful. Ukrainians will tell those over them what they want to hear so the subordinate might benefit from that wealth or power.
Also, the media always tells the Russian people that they are the best. Like North Koreans, they are told everyone wants to be them. Even a homeless person will talk about how much oil they have, how rich they are. Unlike other countries, Russians talk in the sense of “we” not Russia. This gave me pause, even though I had alluded to this phenomena in “Me v Us.” (“I think of China as state capitalism; the worst of both paradigms — forced communalism and imposition of the will of the totalitarian state.”) How different it is than here in the US where many people think of the government as the enemy.
Loss of Home, Business, Momentos
Nick’s home — the one he built with his own hands — was occupied by the Russian military. They used it for a time, and when they left, they shot up all the cars, destroyed all the pictures and children’s awards in the house. Their two salons have been demolished. There is nothing left to return to.
When I asked Nick if he would ever return, Nick said “no,” but “Ivan” said “yes.” Ivan misses being able to attend school in his own language. Nick knows that Mariupol is in rubbles but his son has no way to process this at his age. During the interview, he whispered to his aunt that he had seen the burned out trucks and other things. Nick said, “As much as I loved Mariupol, it’s just like a person; you have to get busy and move on.”
Coping with Loss and a New Home
And being busy is how they are coping. Looking forward to the possibly of getting a visa, his wife is trying to get her cosmetologist license. Nick is working on his driver’s license. He would like to be a long haul truck driver. Ivan is busy trying to learn English and fit into school.
While there seems to be no readily available Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) therapy for them, programs like art therapy are being developed in Washington county. Fortunately, neither Nick nor his family seemed troubled by PTSD. They are fortunate again. Untreated trauma can surface in unexpected ways and linger.
Ivan is the most outgoing and, perhaps, precocious of his three children. He has been sneaking his dad’s cologne since he was two-years-old. He already has two friends and two girlfriends even without speaking English.
How, in the face of so much horror, brutality and loss, does anyone move forward?
What struck me most about Nick was his humanity and his wisdom. Sadness and loss trumped anger. I saw no self-righteousness; no blaming. Just an understanding of what happened and what was lost with an acceptance of what you can’t control. As always in this country, refugees and immigrants remind us what the American dream truly means.
