Good God, What Are They Thinking??
A Medium Editor’s Personal Story of Deconstructing Her Faith, Family, From Evangelical Christianity.
Shelly’s* eyes were wide as saucers, her mouth just a little agape; she was shocked into silence. It was late winter, 2015, and I’d just told my best friend that if the Republicans chose Donald Trump as their candidate for President, I, staunch Evangelical conservative Christian, would vote for Hillary Clinton in November.
Shelly regathered some of her composure and asked me: “Really? You’d really vote for Clinton??”
I took a very deep breath, knowing I was drawing an absolute line in the sand, still a little wobbly at having decided to speak up about it. “Yes,” I said, “There is nothing that could ever induce me to vote for Donald Trump.” Then I described the unsavory things I’d seen or heard about his behavior that should have disqualified him from office, and why I, as a Christian, could never support him. It seemed obvious to me. “But he’ll never win the nomination, so I’m sure it’ll be alright.”
Surprise! Donald Trump became 45, and I completed the process of deconstructing and leaving Evangelicalism behind.
The Draw of Evangelical Christianity
I had converted to Evangelical Christianity as an adult. I was attracted to what appeared to be a loving, supportive community. Evangelicalism offered a framework, the belief that it possessed the only absolute Truth in the universe that I could lean into during times of uncertainty.
Having converted as an adult — and then deconstructing my faith in the aftermath of divorce and the 2016 election — I have an interesting perspective. I can’t speak for all Evangelical Christians everywhere, but I noticed some distinct patterns in the 20+ years I was deeply involved in the church.
Part of me is still flabbergasted that the majority of the Evangelicals I know unwaveringly, enthusiastically, wholeheartedly support not just Donald Trump, but any candidate, at any level of government, who spouts Trump’s name and parrots his vitriol. Jesus taught that the most important commandment is to love God, and love your neighbor as yourself. You’d think that contradiction would give them pause, but in my experience, it really doesn’t. Cognitive dissonance is baked into the religion: How is God both all-powerful and all-good, yet evil and suffering often run unchecked even among true believers.
It’s About Power
Evangelicals, along with other far-right conservatives, have united to impose a toxic mindset on a scale that is unprecedented in American history. Many people I considered friends told me that while they may not approve of Donald Trump as a person, they wanted him as President so he could weight the Supreme Court with justices who would overturn Roe v Wade and hopefully end abortion in the US, as well as removing protections for gay marriage and other LGBTQ2Sp+ rights, and advancing other far-right issues from gun control to immigration. In that, they have begun to find success.
I remember how it felt to be on the inside. We had Absolute Truth, from the almighty Creator of the Universe, behind us. We were taught that our beliefs, being based on a selectively-literal reading of the Bible, would make us unpopular, even hated, and that we would be persecuted and possibly martyred, until Jesus’ literal return to earth. According to the Bible, Jesus himself said, “Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me.” This was a key theme taught on Sunday mornings, at mid-week women’s Bible studies, at homeschool conferences, youth group meetings, summer camps, in “recommended” books and movies, on Christian radio: basically any time or place with an Evangelical audience. We lived in a lot of fear.
On the other hand, we were expected to evangelize the world, “mak(ing) disciples of all nations.” We held the only hope for what we called “the lost and dying world:” faith in Jesus to restore humanity to a personal relationship with God, one individual at a time. Tangentially, teachers and pastors taught us that we Christians also had a moral imperative to restore America to its Christian heritage. This would be accomplished through participation in politics, voting and voter registration, and even sometimes through candidate support from the pulpit.
A Paranoid Form Of Tribalism
This all coalesced into an extremely insular, paranoid form of tribalism, very much an “us versus them” worldview. You’re either one of us, and unwaveringly follow what we say, or you’re the enemy. And since we believe we have Absolute Truth on our side, compromise is a non-starter. There are, of course, exceptions: Anyone who can move the political or social agenda forward is usually embraced enthusiastically, possibly with “nobody’s perfect” thrown in to hand-wave away any concerns over bad behavior ranging from mocking the disabled to adultery.
This crucible has created a sometimes delusional echo chamber. We can’t trust the world, which includes scientists, educators, medical professionals, non-conservative political leaders, and sometimes even family and friends. Jesus even told us, “whoever is not with me is against me.” So instead, we listen only to those who agree with us. We only allow voices that tell us what we want to hear. The payoff is a euphoric sense of belonging, being part of the small yet fervent few who have truly sold out to God, no matter that the rest of the world may call us fools.
Hubris is heady stuff
The good news is that Evangelical numbers are dwindling. Many left when they saw the church turn sharply away from caring for others to embracing self-serving demagoguery and politics. Many no longer want to be associated with a movement that stridently opposes LGBTQ and other human rights. Others grew up being taught that the earth is 6,000 years old and evolution is a lie, and discovered when they reached their teen years that those things aren’t true.
This is what gives me hope. I may have watched almost all my Evangelical friends and acquaintances eagerly slide down the rabbit hole, but there are others like me out here. I’m especially thankful for the younger generations who are asking the important questions, and not hanging around for the gaslighting and propaganda they get in response. The Bible says, “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Let it be so.
*Name has been changed to preserve privacy
