My Home Screen Has A Small Stupid Soul

The anatomy or something IDK of my home screen for 2016


Google Search Widget

It’d probably be super depressing to learn how much I use this to just look up the local weather. For some reason, I refuse to have a weather app on my phone. I probably subconsciously get off on shouting “OK Google: weather San Jose!” You’re right, I should probably just use the weather app.

YouTube

Just plain old ordinary YouTube…? Or maybe YOUTUBE RED DAWG! Yeah! I dun did it, yall! Fuck you, “Skip This Ad” button! YouTube’s Save Offline feature for their mobile app has been real dope for the K-Pop k-hole I’ve descended — with the panache of an addict — more deeply into in 2015. Spotify, Apple Music, Pandora, et al can’t compete with tweens around the world ripping entire albums and uploading them to YouTube as playlists. Big Music can’t fuck with these lyrics and romanization videos! “Does Spotify even know about romanization videos?” is the “Do you even lift bro?” of the streaming music world.

YouTube Music

I never use this. I initially got excited by the keyword marriage of YouTube + music (HEY I LIKE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS) but it’s just like stations based on taste based on the music-related YouTube videos you watch, and I have almost uniformly despised any streaming music “station” experience I’ve ever had. I’M THE ONLY DJ RESIDENCY IN THE TAO NIGHTCLUB THAT IS MY HEART!

Google Hangouts

Back in my day they called it Gchat!

Yelp

I feel like it’s pretty bleak to use Yelp to do like things that would be considered Yelp stuff, like looking up restaurants where you want to eat. Here are my favorite things to do on Yelp:

  • Marking people’s serious reviews of places with the “Funny” tag. Really has the potential to fuck with their heads. It doesn’t matter if you agree with the review IT’S ALL ABOUT THE MIND GAMES.
  • Reading some random users entire log of Yelp reviews like you would a novel, you know, like REALLY IMMERSING yourself in Bobby D. from Albany’s world.
  • Looking up the lowest rated, hopefully one star reviews for almost universally lauded Michelin-star restaurants and then reading that user’s other reviews and waiting for the magic to kick in.
s/o to Molly

Camera

I probably shouldn’t have this on my home screen because any Galaxy S6 owner worth their weight should be using the double click home button shortcut to fire up their camera. JUST LIKE ANSEL ADAMS WOULD.

Gallery

It’s a gallery.

Facebook Messenger

I almost exclusively use this to negotiate trades for my fantasy baseball league LIKE THE BIG IMPORTANT MAN THAT I AM.

Facebook

The best curated RSS feed reader around!

Yik Yak

The poetic soul of the internet. Probably 75% of my most emotional experiences of 2015 were from late night scrolling through the Yak.

Twitter

If you follow enough people, YOU WILL NEVER FEEL LONELY AGAIN.

Medium

HEY THAT’S HERE

Pocket

You the real ad-blocking MVP! BTW, a particularly sad story that 100% reflects the kind of person I am. On my flight back home to NJ for Christmas this year and on my return flight I spent approximately four hours cumulatively saving articles currently tabbed on Chrome (s/o to the “100+ tabs smiley face”) to Pocket and then cleaning up my Pocket feed so it only contained unread articles. Then I proceeded to sleep about 90% of the time spent in the air. There’s a lesson somewhere in there but I refuse to find it.

Instagram

(at) crackcobain. Mainly used for mind-numbing nonsense and K-Pop “art”. Also, while we’re on the topic, can we chill with the Instagram model condescension and hate? Yes, let’s all bask in the blinding glow of our moral +1’s because some women (and men, but it’s only really a problem when women do it, it seems) get paid for their selfies.

HELL ON EARTH.

Gram

I do some social media work for my job which requires me to use VSCO and Layout. I actually don’t know what the other two apps are for. Also, the greatest shame in my life, aside from thinking for many, many years into my adulthood that Les Miserables was a Spanish-language musical, is the period between 2013 and 2015 when I proudly used the word “Gram” to refer to Instagram. When we fall, we fall hard.

Slack

Slack is basically cocaine for workaholics. I can stop Slacking whenever I want. I just don’t want to right now.

Drive

Vrrrrrrrrroooooooooooom!

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