How to Build Social Confidence
As a teenager I struggled with social anxiety. Not the horrible kind where you can’t leave the house. I did have friends. But I wasn’t living the life I wanted.
I wanted to be able to meet people anywhere and have fun, and not worry what people thought of me.
I’ve collected a set of techniques for achieving this.
They come from books, other people, and my own experiences.
These ideas can work for anyone.
Why you must do something
If you want to improve your social life and social skills, you need to start as soon as possible. The problem will get worse as you age.
Over the past few years I have seen many people I know push themselves and grow in confidence.
Others repeated the same bad habits and shrank into the life of a hermit.
Building social confidence will open doors socially, romantically, and in business.
Other than earning piles of cash, nothing can change your life more than building social confidence.
Remove buffers
To give yourself the drive to change you have to remove buffers. The things that give you comfort and protect your ego from making changes.
Sacrifices need to be made in order to change. Want cool friends? A girlfriend? Probably shouldn’t sit in your room playing video games day and night.
Two main causes of social isolation are video-games, and on demand video.
If you have the option of staying in everyday watching endless TV shows that will often be what you choose.
Remove those options, and your choice is between facing social anxiety and extreme boredom.
Face social anxiety and your life will improve big league.
Remove these buffers and create a withdrawal effect. People crave human interaction, and you’ll have no choice but to go find the real thing.
There are other types of buffers as well.
These come as limiting beliefs.
I’ll go out and try to meet girls when I’ve lost enough weight.
People will like me when I’ve got muscles.
I’ll have loads of friends and admirers once I’ve kept my head down for a few years and earned enough money.
Losing weight, building muscle and earning money are all worthy goals but here they are being used as buffers.
You’re putting off the task of going and improving your social life. This is most likely a fear of rejection. This is just something you have to push through.
It can be hard for someone with low self esteem to believe they are ‘enough’ right now.
Stay the course and keep pushing to that next level and your self esteem will increase on its own.
Identify your goals
It is good to know what area you most want to improve in. Social, romantic or business/career.
They all exist on a continuum.
First you initiate contact, then find an area of common interest, then offer to continue the interaction later on.
You get chatting with your new coworker and discover you both like stand up comedy. You have a laugh and invite him for a beer sometime.
You’re walking your dog and see a pretty girl walking hers. You chat about dogs and other things. You discover some common interests. You have a good time. You invite her to have a drink sometime and chat some more.
You’re out at a bar and meet someone who works in a field you’d like to get into, like online business. You say you’re very interested in that line of work and ask if they’d be available sometime to discuss it over coffee.
Many of the skills are the same for each area of life.
Find your level
The first thing you need to do with building social confidence is to find your level. There is no point throwing yourself in the deep end, having a bad time and never trying again. Can you:
Talk to a stranger in an elevator?
Tell a joke to your coworkers or classmates?
Make small talk with a cashier?
Ask someone for advice?
Go to your friend’s birthday?
Throw your own party?
Go to a party you weren’t invited to? (It helps if you bring beer)
Socialise without drinking?
Deliver a speech? (I’m still bad at this)
Ask someone out?
Give a business pitch?
Sell a product?
Conduct an interview?
Find whatever level you’re at in the task you are trying to achieve. It is a lot like finding your ideal weight and rep range in the gym. If you can’t lift the weight more than 8 reps, decrease the weight. If you can do more than 12 reps, increase the weight.
Working your social muscle is the same. Try and ask someone for directions in the street. Make casual conversation with the assistant in a store. If you struggle to do these, this is your level. Keep going with it, as often as possible, until you can advance to more difficult tasks.
Make it like a game, where you are leveling up.
It might be that you feel uncomfortable even being around people at all. That’s where you start.
Go to a bar for 30 minutes a couple of nights a week and just sit there with your drink. Enjoy the atmosphere and people watching. Take a friend with you. Build up to talking to strangers who are also having a night out. Ask them what they’re drinking and whether it’s any good.
Do the same thing anywhere where there are people. Beaches, supermarkets, cafes, parks, gyms, petrol stations, conferences, dinners, at work, on campus, at the pool. Ask people for advice, directions, or opinions.
Momentum
You’ve gotten over your shyness being around people and asking basic questions. Now push yourself to make small talk. Ask them if they’re a local, talk about the weather, about a piece of clothing they have that you like, make a joke. Have fun with it.
Talk for a while, establish some common interests, see if they want to meet again sometime. This will feel strange at first but comes with practice.
Your conversations will get longer and longer and start bringing results.
Once you have found your level, you need to practice as often as possible.
As weeks go by you will build momentum and energy to face more difficult challenges.
Keep your engine warm
You’re invited to a dinner tomorrow night with important people from work. Many you have never even talked to before. You’re nervous. You’re always nervous when you have to meet a new group of people.
Start tackling the problem in the morning by getting warmed up.
Go for a walk and say hi to all the people out walking their dogs.
Phone your best friend and have a chat.
Make an effort to get to know your coworkers and make them laugh.
Go shopping and make small talk with the cashier.
Do these things throughout the day to get your engine warmed up.
This way you arrive at the event in the mood to chat and have fun because you warmed up throughout the day.
If you stay in your room all day and don’t talk to anyone it will be hard to switch gears quickly and enter a social environment.
Roll from one fun interaction into the next.
Getting in the social mindset
Recently I was walking down a street in my neighborhood. A group of kids starting yelling questions at me from the other side of the road.
They weren’t rude but I could tell they were trying to get a reaction. They just wanted to see what would happen.
This is the mindset you want to have with social interactions. The world is your playground.
You’re just looking for a reaction.
A show I highly recommend watching is Impractical Jokers. It’s a reality show with four guys challenging each other to do socially awkward things. If they refuse, they lose. Joe, Sal, Q and Mur all went to high-school together and they never grew out of that childish mindset.
Here is a great clip where they have to make loud noises in a student library. Whoever gets told to be quiet first loses.
Here is another where they have to shake hands with someone for as long as possible.
Have sociable friends
You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. You adopt their habits and worldview. Try to hang out with people who see the world as a fun place that is full of opportunity.
Limit time with people who live a life of comfort and boredom, the type of life you want to leave behind. They can’t help you achieve what you want. They may even try to stop you through jealousy or a feeling that you abandoned them.
It’s who you know
The saying ‘it’s who you know, not what you know’ is often true. People do like to employ and work with people they know and trust. But you can use this to your advantage.
After developing social confidence, move onto networking with people who can help you get where you want to go. Identify the heavy hitters in your chosen field and introduce yourself. This will mean finding out what events are on in your area. You may have to travel to the right events. Also get used to reaching out to people online, through email and social media. People are more helpful than you probably think, especially to those who are keen to learn.
Always be closing
If you meet someone and like them you need to make something happen. It is only natural that after two people have had a good interaction that they would pick that up at a later date. Be it a pretty girl, a new friend or someone to do business with. Become the person who makes that first move, for your own sake and theirs.
Just say it was fun meeting them and you should both meet for a drink or coffee sometime to chat some more. Get their number. Keep it simple.
Don’t let another opportunity slip away. Close the deal.
Join clubs and attend events
Join clubs related to your hobbies and interests. This way half the work is done for you because you’re all there for the same reason. It only makes sense that you might want to hang out some other time as well.
Attend more events. These can be related to your career or hobbies. Or they could just be concerts and other live acts. Anywhere where people are all gathered for the same purpose makes starting a conversation easier.
Look online for events in your area. You’ll be surprised by how many there are, even in small cities.
Socialize without drinking alcohol
I once did a challenge of going out to town for 30 nights straight. This would have been insane if I had been drinking. But I was completely sober. The first week was tough. Then you get a strange heightened feeling which carries through into the following nights and days.
You end up at the same energy level as the buzzed drunk people surrounding you, and feel hyped up the next day.
I’m not saying you should do this for 30 days but you should consider going out sober. Once you get used to it it can be a lot of fun. I still enjoy a drink but it’s nice to know I don’t need it in order to tolerate drunk people and have a good time. If you use alcohol as a social crutch this can cure that problem for you. Your nights out will be cheaper and you’ll feel better the next day.
Workout
Working out increases many feel-good hormones and endorphins in both sexes.
You’ll have more energy and feel better about yourself if you make time to exercise and lift.
You’ll hold yourself more confidently.
Improve your look
Everyone can improve their look by 2 points by wearing clothes that fit well and are in a style that suits them.
Add another point for a good haircut.
Spend a bit of time trying different styles to see what suits you. A good website for men is masculine-style.com.
Your confidence will improve when you see yourself in the mirror and look well put together.
You may even get compliments, which always helps. Use the confidence to take social risks.
Watch stand up comedy
Learn about timing and what actually makes things funny. This will make you feel more confident in conversation. People will like you more.
My favorite British comedian is Ricky Gervais and my favorite American comedian is the late Patrice O’Neal.
Read more
If you’re going to be having many more conversations you need things to talk about. Fill your mind with interesting books and articles. You want a waterfall of words to spill out when a topic comes up that you know about and enjoy. People like talking to people who are passionate about a topic.
First aim for a book per month, then every two weeks, then each week.
Building confidence is a constant battle
These techniques might not work for you. And even if they do, there will still be days when you can’t achieve what you would like.
I still get nervous. I worry what people will think of me. Whether I’ll be mocked or hated. But I keep going anyway, because all the good things are down that same path.
I have a life now full of great people and opportunities that I wouldn’t have dreamed possible a few years ago.
Never give up.
