On Forgiveness and Forgetting
They don’t always go hand in hand.
I often find myself questioning the saying, “forgive and forget” — as if the two terms were analogous and uniquely complementary. We toss around this saying as if in order to do one you must do the other. I feel as if I’ve been led to believe that both will result in identical consequences. As I’ve experienced pain in my life in many ways, I have often struggled with forgiveness and forgetting. What I have concluded from all this is that forgiveness and forgetting couldn’t be more different. They are, in fact, two things that can be experienced exclusively and for varying reasons.
On Forgiveness
Forgiveness, in my opinion, is a very personal act. It has nothing to do with reconciling with the other person (that’s forgetting, and I’ll get to it later) — but rather deals with our own emotions. By definition forgiveness is to “stop feeling angry towards someone for an offense or mistake.” It is a decision we make that involves deciding to let go of our negative feelings and choosing to be happy. By no means do I think this is an easy task. It is perhaps one of the most difficult jobs we have to do in life. The choice is complicated by our anger and we become blind to anything else.
But it is, nonetheless, a choice.
True, some people will never deserve our forgiveness. Their actions were too harmful to be simply “excused.” Yet forgiveness isn’t about excusing someone else from our anger. It is about excusing ourselves.
We forgive in order to ease our hurt. To harbor so much resentment and bitterness will only result in our own undoing. We forgive in order to live again.
On Forgetting
Forgetting, on the other hand, is about restoring relationships and reuniting people. It is by definition, “inadvertently omitting” — unfortunately, we cannot deliberately plan on forgetting something. We don’t forget to feel better, we forget in order to create an environment where a friendship or connection can grow again. So many times I have found that I have forgiven someone. I am no longer sheltering this hostility toward someone and have come to peace with what they did. Yet, I cannot forget. Or perhaps I can, I just haven’t forgotten yet.
I cannot reconcile with that person because although I am happy and free from distress, I remember what they did. And because of this memory, our relationship will struggle to mend. I’ve realized that I want to forget —more than anything I want this memory out of my head, but there it is anyway.
“Forgive and Forget”
So while this saying will undoubtably remain in use, I can’t help but think about which is better? Is it better for forgive someone? Or simply better to forget about it all? I think the answer varies from person to person, case to case. I think forgiving and forgetting is the epitome of fixing a damaged relationship. It is, in some way what we want to happen. Yet I’m tired of feeling like if I don’t accomplish both, I have disappointed in some way. I am a failure because I couldn’t “forgive and forget.” Because they don’t always go hand in hand, and that’s okay.
