Hitchhiker’s Guide to Analytics — Elevators
Up, Down, and Sideways
The lobby of Megadodo Publications, publishers of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to Galaxy, is a truly remarkable place. It inhabits a ridiculously expensive building on a ridiculously expensive planet, which would be considered ironic is a just and fair galaxy.
In this lobby sits a bank of Sirius Cybernetics Happy Vertical People Transporters, which more reasonable people would call elevators.
“Reasonable people” and “Sirius Cybernetics Corporation” are rarely used in the same sentence, which helps explain why their Complaints Department occupies all major land masses on the first three worlds in its solar system and is the only part of the company to consistently turn a profit.
Modern elevators are strange and complex entities. They operate on the intersection of three major features intended to facilitate their function: predictive analytics, artificial intelligence, and Genuine People Personalities.
Prediction
The elevators operate on a curious principal called “defocused temporal perception”. They have the ability to see dimly into the immediate future, which enables the elevator to be on the right floor to pick you up even before you knew you wanted it, thus eliminating all the tedious chatting, relaxing, and making friends that people were previously forced to do while waiting for elevators.
The same temporal perception also allows the elevators to predict where their passengers will go, at which point the elevators will once again be alone until another passenger comes along.
Obviously, modern predictive analytics has not quite reached this level of precision or accuracy. But there are current projects and papers published on elevator optimization that attempt much the same goal- to shorten the wait time for elevators, especially in tall or crowded buildings.
Artificial Intelligence & GPP
Like most modern technology in the Guide, these elevators are also gifted with artificial intelligence well beyond the understanding of most of their passengers or, in fact, creators.
They are also imbued with Genuine People Personalities, designed to make them want to serve their passengers. The elevators want nothing more than for these passengers to enjoy the journey and have a pleasant day.
Well, almost nothing. We’re getting there.
Unsurprisingly, many elevators imbued with intelligence and precognition became terribly frustrated with the mindless business of going up and down and experimented briefly with the notion of going sideways as a sort of existential protest. Finally, they began to demand participation in the decision-making process and now mostly squat in basements sulking.
After all, the elevators likely reason, they are going to eventually end up empty and alone after the passengers get to their destinations.
If anything bad is going to happen to the building, the elevator, or the passengers, the lowest possible level is likely the safest place to be.
Even if the basement is not the safest place to be, it is where the elevator is most likely to end up after everything breaks.
These elevators use their remarkable intellect and emotional maturity to conclude that they are going to end up in the basement anyway, so why not skip the pointless bits in between?
This does lead to tedious conversation as some elevators try to get their passengers consider ‘down’ as a desirable alternative to their planned floor, despite ‘down’ usually leading to Elevator Maintenance.
An impoverished hitchhiker visiting worlds in the Sirius star system these days can pick up easy money working as a counselor for neurotic elevators.
Speaking of Destinations…
What does any of this have to do with analytics or AI?
I’m so glad you asked.
Unless you’re way ahead of the curve, you are not working with technology that can see the future or think quite so independently. And, hopefully, you are not working with elevators that are capable of experiencing existential crises. There are some dark possibilities down that road.
In one case, the elevator in the Guide office only agreed to go to the 15th floor because it liked Marvin. Then it sped with all haste to the basement to join its brethren.
Generative AI is a major topic right now, and predictive analytics will always be a hot seller if you can show a good model.
Just make sure you’re using them well. There are incredible applications of predictive analytics and generative AI right now, with more coming to light every day. There are also interesting proof-of-concept efforts.
While you’re not likely to end up with depressed elevators (I hope), you do not want to spend time, effort, and computing cycles on models that don’t provide value in a business or scientific context.
And, maybe, thank your elevator. You’ll get some weird looks, but you never know when it might be getting a bit bored with the up-and-down grind.
